The most recent time was at Rope Camp when I was kicking back trying to understand what the hell I was feeling and what was making me wish for something else. I didn't come up with a good tangible list then and I still haven't.
The thing is that when my brain finally starts working, it is clear that I can't go back. I can't be someone else. The grass is the same color on on the other side. Those emotional thoughts that I am struggling with are misleading me in hopes of finding a place that is more desirable then the emotional state I am struggling with.
Being Poly
Poly relationships, where one has friends who are much more then "just" friends requires work. It is the same amount of work as monogamous relationships, the big difference is that delaying discussions for months or years can't happen. Wants, needs, insecurities, jealousies and other emotions have to be communicated and tensions resolved. Given others are involved, those tensions have to be resolved now not later or relationships disintegrate.I didn't enter the kinky world to be poly. I wasn't looking for lovers, friends with benefits and so on. I play with many people and a couple of women happen to enter my life at different times and they are both poly.
The cool benefit of poly relationships is working on my ability to understand and my ability to communicate. What I want out of a relationship and what my partners want out of a relationship can be totally different and complex.
As of late, there has been significant work in this area. I have multiple play partners and play with new people. I am also a flirt. The surprise for me was meeting someone fantastic, wonderful and so adorable for me in Washington DC.
The ripples and communication of this new relationship have been for the most part wonderful. I can't see anything but rainbows and blue sky except when I look at myself.
Comfort Zones, Frustration and Sullen Moods
Looking at myself has been storm clouds with lightning flashes.I am constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone in some aspect of my life whether it is doing impulse things like going with a brand new friend to the beach 9 hours away, going to NYC clubs with two people I met briefly and staying with them, changing my job to take on bigger challenges, jumping into the kink world or getting a weekend job as a white water raft guide. There are moments in all these situations where the context is new, scary but very containable and often results is immense pleasure.
At work I positioned myself into a new job effectively, a job that was significantly out of my comfort zone. I was pretty happy about it, who was involved and very excited. After a while, the organizational structure and priorities changed. It seemed I ended up in an awkward position of being one of the very few driving this particular agenda. I didn't mind.
The problem was that a warning bell was going off in my head. Something was wrong. I was struggling with understanding and working to communicate at the right time and in the right way against a background of politics and poor information flow. I was working hard to read between the lines, work the politics which I don't do well at and trying to figure out what was going on. I was frustrated and struggling to understand who was doing what.
I could see mistakes happening and blindness forging ahead. I am not the adept at manipulating others and often my frustration was flaring into anger or lingering negative angst feeling like a rat in a cage. What was this warning bell ringing in my head?
It seemed I was often in a dark mood, upset in some way and trying to be good for others by withdrawing. It taxed my poly relationships. I am amazed they put up with me. I feel bad about it and hope they understand.
At the start of July, I found out what the warning bell was and I also discovered a significant flaw in the communication given to me that I still can't fix. My boss was forced in a situation to appraise me and he doesn't give negative feedback constructive or otherwise. The appraisal was negative and painted up to look good. I knew what it meant given I worked as manager before. I have an additional political challenge to protect myself.
Rope Play
Flirting and playing with rope has been weird for me with this stuff hanging over my head. I was doing things like over analyzing things, fixated on hip harnesses and pulling back on playing.By the end of rope camp, I was wanting that wild good feeling I had a while back. Where was it? I was thinking about a need for a "reset" but not sure what it was.
When traveling home, my thinking was that until I figured out this question, I should pull back from events and general play. I should focus on flirting, socializing, enjoying my loves and doing rope for practice or as part of sexual play.
For a brief moment I wanted to go to FetFest but stopped that plan. I will socialize at munches, do dates and have fun for now.
I need to pick a restaurant (I can be so picky) for a date with a woman I have been chatting with on FetLife. I want to learn about her and just hang out.
On Friday I go down to Washington DC and see this wonderful woman that makes me smile and my heart go crazy. New relationship energy is so cool.
I will figure this out.
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