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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Change of Plans

I was suppose to work late and get this project finished but my darling playmates said to come and play. I hadn't seen Batty in a while and missed her.

In a short while I left work, it was already 7 PM, headed home which is in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go to get my toy bag. My  girlfriend asked for additional stuff, I started feeling like a pack animal. I got home, ate a snack and then headed back down. It took an hour or so to get there.

I picked up Batty and Raven, we went over to a bar. I really didn't want to go to a restaurant far away. We had a few drinks and munchies and talked about what was happening in our respective lives.

It had been a while since I tied up Batty and she made it clear with comments about where she didn't want to go with play. At one point, she commented about "knife and rope play" and she could cut me with the knife if I did anything.  Given the crazy bad stuff in her life, I could totally understand.

I had this idea of doing a suspension. Yep that was my plan and I was bouncing between an inverted face up and a side suspension.

Raven and I showed Batty the new rope we had including MauiKink's coconut rope. I did some wrapping of it around her chest targeting rope across the nipples. She likes abrasion play combined with rope so that little move started her dropping. I unwrapped the rope while trying to hold her up.

We went downstairs to the basement. I pulled out the new black rope I had received and set up my suspension ring on the strap that is always there. Raven decided she wanted a second hard point. We all worked together to figure out a spot and get it set up. It was then time to play.

Batty looked good standing naked except in underwear. I had her put her hands behind her body. I could tell that things had changed significantly and just told her to keep her hands on the side. I proceeded to wrap hemp rope around her for a chest harness. I would do wraps around the waist including her forearms and then cinch them off.

Getting the wraps done was becoming a challenge. Batty was dropping fast. While she was partially bound I helped her down to her knees and then onto her stomach. I wiggled the remaining wraps under her knees and then up to her waist to finish the "penguin" chest harness. I then did a frog tie of each leg.

I was trying to pull her legs apart by connecting the frog ties to the chest harness. She called red on that -- too much pressure on her knees. Of course, I couldn't let this situation alone but I wasn't going to do anything painful.

I found out which knee was the weakest and lifted that side of her to get a rope tied under her body at the waist rope. I put her down and then ran the other end up between her legs and to the suspension ring. Oh the little laughs she has picked up. I made it tight raising her bottom some and then slipped a vibrator into the ropes. It was enjoyable to watch Batty laugh.

After a few minutes, I went to my bag and got a short piece of rope. I connected one end in a hair tie to Batty's hair and then the other end to her big toe and then pulled in the other big toe. I used the excess to wrap her feet together. She looked like a cute package that way.

She was in la la land. I pulled the floor mat that she was laying on around so the crotch rope was more aligned with the suspension ring. I then tighten that rope up. It was fun to wiggle and bounce the rope in a rhythmical way.

Somewhere in the middle of this fun, I looked up and Raven look great in some red rope. I never used that rope. I thought I needed longer rope at one point and had purchased 4 40ft ropes and 2 20ft ropes. 40ft is too long.

Raven had done a self suspension with hands free. I was happy for her but as a rope top I wanted to do that. When Batty was purring on the floor I asked her how it felt, she said the hip harness was pinching. Apparently one of the wraps that reversed direction had slipped down to the primary load point and was biting in. It is hard to see that when self tying.

I untied Batty slowly and checked on her. She was on the floor for a long time recovering. It was good to see her in this state. After a while, she decided to get up. I kept holding her as she worked herself up onto her knees and then up. Eventually she was okay and could stand against a wall. It made me smile.

We picked up the toys and headed upstairs. I had to get myself home.

I said my good nights, got about 5 minutes away from home when Raven called and checked on me. I told her where I was and she reminded me about hitting deer. I said good night and in a few minutes was home. I wish I could say I went to sleep immediately but I didn't. I was still feeling it. Another hour or so I went to sleep.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Internet, Gossip and the Outing of Alexa

I wanted to finish my New York City Sex Blogger Calendar Release party blog entry but I didn't start this blog for a schedule, a history or other purposes. I created this blog to create clarity in my head and to possibly let others learn about the wider real world.

Over the last week or so, there has been a flurry of communication and blogs about outing a man who pretended  for a long time to be a $1000 an hour escort, in a graduate program for sexual studies and who could tweet while having sex. One of the key issues with this outing is the predatory aspects of how this blog was used.

I have been trying to ignore things until Ten did her first blog entry. It hit an emotional echo. I keep rewriting my comment on her blog until I just finally deleted it and kept it very simple complementing her writing.

I am writing this to get some clarity and thinking for myself and to get help get some confused and angry thoughts out of myself.

Internet

The internet as a whole is wild, fragmented, helpful and dangerous. It can reach into your life in direct ways such as viruses and it can reach into your life by exposing things including private things. It can also enable your personal efforts to be seen by millions for the possible impact of improving the world. A poor analogy of the internet is it is like "living in a city with no windows and everything is on video tape forever".

Like any communication tool, the side effects of this world wide exposure can be diverse such as a trauma story resulting in thousands of dollars in donations to the ailing person or the opposite extreme of causing someone to lose their job, their family and and possibly their life. Because of this and some other reasons, law makers, organizations and individuals in countries around the world are struggling with how to control, how to expose more, how to hide more and so on. Here are some examples:


The list is fairly endless and the dynamics have been around for years and years.

Drama, Sex and Gossip

For years and years, long before the "internet" existed, normal people would get behind a keyboard and turn into something else. They could say things that they didn't believe in just for the shock or attention value. They could say things with passion that they would never say with someone in the same room with them. The disconnected nature of the communication caused whole new mental thinking.

I didn't understand the version of it called 'flaming' was only the less evil version of it. It is where someone is just passionate about something and true to themselves. The gossip version of this is more insidious and deadly.

I knew gossip and its impact. I worked at a private resort complex when I was a teenager. It had all the issues such as me being 'fresh meat' for the clients. Even back then I was a flirt and often went together with my other teenage female co-workers to places on our day off. What I didn't know was the other teenage male co-worker was jealous of this and the gossip being feed to him by other locals would come to a head. In this case, it was a nasty fight between him and me with the gossip lies spilling out of his mouth.

A few years later, after my life came crashing down on me in waves, I got into a better mental state and was working at a university as cheap labor. I had collected some new obsessive behaviors like always being in control of where I was going to sleep and I was struggling to understand my feelings toward men.

I was spending time with female co-workers and students and discovered the electronic gossip was much quicker, more emotional and nastier. It was a rude shock to have my personal life presented in this light to many. Worse yet was one of the graduate students I was spending time, left near the end of the year, the gossip and sexual attacks were too much.It hurt.

My efforts were to take myself off this radar screen. I would keep track of who the gossipy people were and stay away from them and their friends. I would avoid taking my female friends to common hang outs and so on.

Then another drama happen and I got slammed again.This time 100 times worse. By this time I had taken my sexual activities mostly off the communities radar screen. I had gotten into a more public and controlling world and was a bigger professional target. In this case, the "who was sleeping with who" didn't relate to me but others higher up the food chain. It eventually got resolved at significant cost to many and I was on the winning side if you could call it winning.

At this point in my life, I couldn't understand why people enjoyed daytime dramas. My life no matter what I did had drama.

Unmasking of Alexa

I have meet my fair share of predators and I have spent enough time with police and criminal attorneys to know I am in no rush to know some things. There are all sorts of predators including rapists, child rapists, etc.

The one thing I was forced to watch was a very smooth operator spend months chasing a good friend. I and other people told her he was just going to screw her and leave her. After spending months with him, she finally consented and the relationship evaporated after her fucked her.

It messes with my head that I am like him but have different goals. What makes me "okay"?

When I read about the unmasking of Alexa and other blogs like Ten's, I don't see a simple issue.

I see things like this guy will probably lose his job. He probably will not be stopped and will reappear. He messed up many people by his actions. The gossip and angst around this will be divisive and will bring people together at the same time.

I pray that the conclusion is correct and that the person who has been outed in this fashion is the right person.

Silver Lining

The good news is that Ten posted a follow up email from this the person being outed in her new blog before I finished this blog entry. One of the things I have to do professionally is read between the lines with emails.

His message mentions very casually  after leading with details about a web hosting service about losing his job "I’ve already been fired from my job, and so now I have to find a way to get myself home." It contradicts with "... been on the road this weekend..." , catching up with things, sending email to Alexa, etc. He is playing the sympathy card and validating his name and activities.

It is very hard to get fired from a non-appointed government job. My concern that the wrong person was outed has evaporated.

I don't view the negative energy in the internet as a good thing. Maybe in this one case, it is good?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Off to Folsom Fringe, Folsom Street Fair & SF Citadel

Raven and I went off to Sunnyvale California, part of the Silcon Valley region or San Francisco Bay Area for Folsom Fringe, Folsom Street Fair and other possible trouble.

We adjusted to the timezone travel and when Folsom Fringe registration open, we got out identifications and registered. There seemed to be discussions from multiple people about volunteering and hours while we waited our turn. I had some anxiety since I forgot a piece of paper I was suppose to bring but registration was a breeze.

They had little tags one could add under the badge holder. Raven added several. I picked one that said something like "Starts Trouble" or something. It made me smile.

I think that was the night we went out to a steak place. We went to diner with the good people from MauiKink, Graydancer and MinxGrrl. We had a good time and left the restaurant when it was close to empty. It was pretty full when we entered and I didn't even sense that we were lingering that long. By my standards, that is great conversation (and good drinks he he).

Folsom Fringe

The hotel and the way the event organizers used it lent itself to people bumping into each other. The second floor landing was used for vending and could be seen well for the three floors. The main floor had sitting areas, the hotel desk, NCSF and other booths and auctions. It was enjoyable just to hang out there between classes and have wonderful conversations.

I enjoyed the classes with the best for me being a class by Allena Gabosch from the Center for Sex Positive Culture on "Solo Poly". It filled in some information I needed in my continued journey to understand myself and made me think about some things from a different perspective.

The one challenge with Folsom Fringe was decoding and using the schedule. It was complicated and in pieces. I was constantly flipping through it trying to figure out what was happening between classes, non-class events and other things like the bus schedule to Folsom. On top of that class changes had occurred and it was confusing about where to find the current schedule. You had to wander around and check multiple places.

Folsom Fringe had a play party. I opted out of taking the extended hummer limo to it and driving. It wasn't my night for communicate well with Raven and I had failed to explain that was for us to get to and from the play party. We drove over, took our toy bags in and got a feel for the crowd and the play area.

After a short while, we went in and found a hard point for some rope play. I tried another side suspension harness and the chest part didn't work as well as I wanted it too. Somewhere in the middle of this, a DM asked me where my scissors were. "Umm, rescue hook on my belt and two pair in my toy bag". Raven said sweet things to make me feel better and then redid the chest harness to her liking and did a self suspension.

After that and putting away the rope stuff including my ring, we talked for a while. I don't know whether it was jet lag, fatigue, overwhelmed with information or whatnot but we both were starting to downward. Raven was cold and luckily the car had her coat. I got her coat then the toy bags and then we went back to the hotel. It was a good call.

The next day there were more classes. I found out Graydancer was teaching a class during a time when I wasn't planning taking any classes. I went and was happy I did since I learn a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing for take down play. I needed to spend more time being educated before doing any more of that type of play.

SF Citadel

I think there was going to be a second play party for Folsom Fringe but it was canceled or something. We grabbed our stuff and drove the hour or so in light traffic to San Fran to the SF Citadel. I had been there before and wanted to join.

We showed up and the place was busy with people who had showed up for Folsom Street Fair. The normal membership joining process wasn't allowed that night. The place was packed.

I said hello to some people. Given there were two riggers who seemed very good using the available hard points and the place was overflowing with people, we didn't stay long. We wanted to get a feel for the place and will no doubt be back.

On the way out, we bumped into CunningMinx who produces Poly Weekly podcast. It was good to see her again.

We went home, talked on the way back, dealt with me foolishly making a left turn and getting a "no turn" ticket and eventually got home to the hotel room to curl up and cuddle. We needed our rest for tomorrow.

Folsom Street Fair

We had been asking questions about how to approach Folsom Street Fair as newbies. We got solid advice which we took to heart. The initial plan was to take the early bus, enjoy the fair and then take the early bus back. The subsequent plan was even better, go early, when the heat and the crowds form, take a break for an hour or two and then return.

We got up early and decided against the bus but to drive up ourselves. We could get water, snacks and had more room for gear and clothing. We stopped a couple of places for sun screen, morning snack, water and so on as we traveled north to San Francisco.

The traffic coming into San Francisco near Folsom Street was a mess since Folsom is a major road. With Raven's sharp eyes, we went around in circles toward the left and parked. We walked through the traffic being handled by police and then through the gates for Folsom where we paid a donation and got drink/entrance bands. We were still two blocks away from Folsom but one could see camera carrying folks, booths, important little things like ATM machines and a growing crowd of expressive folks like ourselves. Raven and I swapped taking pictures.
It was unusual to be in a place where half the people were taking pictures when the normal playspaces don't allow cameras, cellphones, etc. Raven got stopped a few times for her picture to be taken -- she was definitely looking hot.
I don't remember which booth we ended up beside. Raven got in and took a few pictures of a female top playing with a male bottom. The crowds were pretty thick around this booth. I had no doubt that later the crowd would much larger.  We kept walking, meeting people and taking pictures.
I tweeted some of these pictures. Except for the sun beating down on us, we were having a good time. We stopped at Wicked Grounds, bumped into folks like Graydancer, MinxGrrl and Simon (I hope I didn't mess up his name).

The crowds and the sunshine beating down were starting to get to us. Raven took off her high heel boots and we looked for some place to stay in the shade.

This is where our plan went down hill. We didn't know of a place on Sunday close by where we could recharge and come back from. We went and got into the car, turn on the A/C and started driving. Raven feel asleep and my idea of going to the Fisherman Wharf backfired with heavy traffic and large volumes of people. After a while, we gave up and headed back south to Silcon Valley.

Another Play Party?

I had signed up for the 2nd day of the Edge's play party but I didn't hadn't kept track of when it was. When we got ourselves feed and back to the hotel room, I discovered it was finishing up in a couple of hours. I wanted to see friends and meet new people but Raven and I were both at the end of our energy. We didn't go anywhere and hung out together cuddling and talking.

The next day we took our time checking out of the hotel. We were taking a red eye flight back. This was a day of me making mistakes and Raven tolerating my errors.

We headed out to a Redwood Forest taking a road indicated by the GPS that was very twisty and narrow. It wasn't a fun ride for Raven and I was behaving not doing my technical driving. We had fun there. It was the first time to see a Redwood Forest and it was wonderful.

We headed back to the airport. I had this dumb idea that we could check in our car, get past security and eat. On the way, we stopped off at an Apple store and bought and iPad for the flight home. I had given up on using my laptop in the economy seats. She wanted to eat in Los Gatos, I should have listened.

We dropped off the car and headed into the airport. Airport baggage checkin for Delta didn't seem open and the restaurants were behind security. The only thing open on this side of security was Starbucks. We found a place to hang out, power up our laptops and for me to initialize the iPad. After a couple of hours, we checked our bags in and went looking for a place to eat.

It was a struggle and a learning experience. This was my second attempt at a red eye and I will never do it again nor fly back through Atlanta between California and Pittsburgh. At least I had wonderful tired memories of the weekend to hang onto.

In less then 48 hours after getting home, I would be heading off to the NYC Sex Blogger's Calender Release party.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Attending a New Event

About a week ago, the realization came to me that I was going off to Folsom Fringe and then attending at the end of that event, the Folsom Street fair and would be a "newbie" to both. I wouldn't know many people other then presenters that I have had the pleasure of being in their class. I didn't know much about how the events would run other then what I read off the web. It caused me some anxiety but I quickly decided I would treat it like my first time entering the scene.

Being an Event Warrior

As someone I respect said recently, "be an event warrior". To quote him, Shibari Warrior:
Simply put, you need to become an Event Warrior. Bring the needed supplies of nourishment, clothing, watch and an ability to discern whats really important for you. Factor in time for sleep - nobody made you go 20 hours of classes, socializing and play, you decided that.

I am traveling with someone to both events so I had to pack wisely and augmented my clothing in case it would be cold. I also planned after I arrived to purchase water or whatnot as needed.

Expectations

I have been enjoying the local public scene and the east coast scene at events. I know people and can manage to start trouble especially the kind that I like. For this event, if I expect that sort of enjoyment, I will probably be disappointed.

So I am resetting my expectations to what I did when I first entered the public scene. By doing so, my disappointment will be not exist and I will enjoy myself much more. My goals are simple, attend classes so I can learn and enjoy meeting people both new and old. If some play time comes out of it, I consider that a bonus.

My friend and I have showed up a day early to let travel stress evaporate and put us into a mentally aware mindset. We struggled to sleep in this morning after arriving past 1AM East Coast time. It was good we put the "do not disturb" sign on the door and kept it there. We didn't need fresh linen or the added stress of organizing our stuff.

We went out and had lunch, walked around and came back. We have relaxed, read and surfed the web. In a few hours, the start of Folsom Fringe will occur in the form of registration and a meet and greet. I am looking forward to it with a big smile.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Full Dance Card

What I like about rope is difficult to describe and keeps evolving. There are certain aspects I enjoy very much and other aspects I am working to avoid.

There are elements of play such as control, making the bottom look hot, the way the bottoms sounds, the movements happening in my ropes, the physical effort I have put into it and our communication that when combined together seem to make the world disappear. It doesn't matter whether it is me or a co-topping scene. I need the world to disappear and to be with this wonderful person who has agreed to be my rope toy.

It is somewhat of a shock to my system when someone enters my scene or I manage to expand my awareness and discover an audience. I really don't want to pay attention outside of the scene. It takes away my kink but I am forced from repeated history to try and check on what is happening around me. After I mentally stumble with this unexpected awareness, bad energy comes into me thinking some drama is about to unfold or that I somehow am triggering something I can't control.

This isn't the same as feeling, hearing or otherwise somehow sensing the flogging scene to my right, the fire play scene off in the corner generating fun noises or another wild scene behind me. I have a sense of space, those scenes around me and in some weird way the energy that is happening. When someone quietly asks me if it is okay to flog on the cross next to me, I look at them with I think a smile and say "no problem".

Ignoring the issues with public play, the thing that frustrates me the most at the moment is my own rope work when it is doing something I don't want it to do. I want my scenes to be much longer but my understanding of the body, my rope work and the person I am playing is an overflowing amount of information to understand and internalize. I tend to error on the side of winding down my scene if I don't understand.

Dance Card

In the two or so weeks before I traveled to Cleveland to go to First Friday at OhioSMART, I was in discussions about play dates. As the First Friday got closer and closer, I was asked if I could tie more and more people.

For a guy who had no idea how long his scenes took, did maybe one scene in public each time and had for a while stopped playing totally because of bad things happening, it was a concern that I would agree to tie 3 or more people in one night.
Could I tie more then 3 people in one night?

I had no idea whether I could. I actually had to look and see how long the dungeon was open, understand my travel plans to the dungeon and actually think about whether I should be doing a series of scenes. Would I stress out about how long I did a scene? Can I do more then two scenes? Was I being honest with myself about my needs and wants? Was I going to mess with my head space with some new twist?

Was I really going to struggle with my ropes, understanding who I was tying and what our connection was and try to do multiple scenes?

I had listened carefully and asked some questions at one of the "cheap ass pancakes" part of a Graydancer GRUE. The people in the conversation were pretty clear about staying away from a schedule -- doing scenes based on time slots and so forth. These were experienced people discussing the downsides of a schedule.

Warning bells were going off. I did as best as I could to be honest about my dance card. I hoped for the best and no hurt feelings.

Friday Night

It is like a two hour drive to go to the play space in Cleveland. There are times like when we drove to Winter Wickedness that I was a mess by the time we arrived. Normally I don't care about my mental state when I arrive some place, I snap on my game face and deal with things.

Alas for my expression of my positive self, if I am a stress ball, I can't play. It isn't fun. I don't connect but simply manage and control. I can go to work for that sort of expression.

As luck would have it, the roads were breeze to drive on and we had eaten a relaxed diner before we had headed out. We got the OhioSMART space early and kicked back while people showed up. It was perfect relaxed head space. I was ready to play.

As things worked out, I did several scenes. I found I needed to drink water and take a break between scenes. During that time tended to think about the scenes and whether my ropes and I had gone far enough, well enough or I had contorted a body not the way I wanted. Being in floaty top space didn't let those thoughts do too much.

I enjoyed all of the scenes. I wish I had been aggressive and no so timiedly tame in the first one. In one of the other scenes, I was surprised I didn't get a scream and discovered it is one of my "top" cookies I enjoy. The last scene I pushed pretty hard on her and was distracted when the DM asked me if she was okay. Even though I said yes, I had no idea by what standard I should have said that.

I so enjoyed myself. Yep, I was pretty damn selfish with these hot woman and the enjoyed the co-topping scene with a top that does knife play.

Aftercare

Part of me is a crazy demanding bad boy but the other part of me is a responsible caring adult, the adult part of me wants to know I didn't mess up. I need that. I need the hugs, the quiet whispered exchanges and to know from their eyes that we are good.

I was doubly thankful as the night ended that I crossed paths with people and chatted. I was coming down slowly and needed to make sure what I sensed was still true about the scenes.

My thanks to the dom that did some teaching to me about knife play. I need to buy a knife now!

Friday, September 3, 2010

DC GRUE

After coming back from Floating World, running around dealing with day to day life and work, my friend and I headed off to the Washington DC GRUE.

Meet and Greet

We left mid-day and drove down to the hotel, checked in and went off to the meet and greet at a wonderful restaurant in Union Station called Thunder Grill. They had set up a long row of tables and it was overflowing with smiling facing chatting away. We sat down and ordered and talked to the people around us after saying hello and hugging the people we knew. It was a blast.

After a long fun dinner, we headed off to the hotel which was a few blocks away, got into our hotel room and cuddled with the alarm set to get our butts off to the Crucible Club before 9:30AM.

GRUE and Crucible

After checked in and got our wrists bands for attending, no photos and other little things resolved. We walked into the Crucible play space. It is a delightful large space with multiple levels and a side room. There were a variety of places to hang out and chat.

Upstairs people were gathering for the start of the GRUE. I had grabbed coffee on the lower level before heading up. I need my morning coffee and our attempt to get Starbucks had ended unsuccessfully at a closed shop.

Graydancer started the GRUE showing us the normal empty wall and indicating with a smile that the class list would be up shortly. As I had experienced in the past, it did. It was actually overflowing and very diverse.

A woman I meet the night before had expressed interest in a discussion session. I asked her if she was going to do it and she was unsure. I got a piece of paper and asked her to write the title of the class, put my scene name on it and put it up. When the discussion happened later that day, the normal open magic happened and there were many smiling faces in evidence during the session. I think she benefited from it. I sure did.

I was proud of my friend for organizing a rope bottom discussion. She rocks and did well. It behaved to some degree as expected with several doms in attendance including myself. I kept somewhat quiet but did participate since I had combined one of my discussions with this session.

The GRUE was extended by some time, I can't remember and then the closing circle happened. Yet again, it seemed like the wonderful good energy happened and many smiles abounded. It is one of the reasons I enjoy the GRUE.

Play party

My girl friend and I rushed off to shower and change so we can meet her friend's for dinner. She picked a wonderful place with great Thai food but inconsistent service. We chatted and then both couples headed off to the Crucible.

It was a shock to see cars and cars and cars all over the place. The clubs were busy and there was a major sports event nearby. The place was packed. The couple we were with found a space for us and we happily parked the car. Yay!

I grabbed my rope bag and walked off to the play party with my sexily dressed girlfriend. As we got close by, the place was hot with good looking sexy people! It made me smile, we entered and the Crucible looked totally different with the bright lights off, cool music and entertainment lights on. People were talking, laughing and sceneing. Of course, the scenes generated a fair share of whimpers, moans, groans and pleasurable erotic sounds.

After a while, I connected up with a wonderful woman and her boyfriend that I know from Pittsburgh. She suggested a co-topping scene with her boyfriend tied up. It was fun tying him up in a partial suspension and watching her play with him. The comment I loved best during the scene was about how she was more sadistic then him. I knew that would feed into the next scene.

The next scene was tying her up. In both scenes, I was doing a certain about of experiments with my ropes. I didn't quite like what happened with her hip harness and how it interacted with her arms as I suspended her totally off the floor. Meanwhile the boyfriend who had his nipples clamped by her earlier returned the favor. I soothingly told her that the pain subsides over time which it does.

The flip side is that taking off nipple clamps causes the blood to rush back in. It is a wicked amount of pain in a short amount of time. He removed them near the end of the rope scene with her arms still bound. Both of their reactions were wonderful.

I teased her a bit more with a finger tip circling a nipple occasionally as I unwound my ropes. The nipples are so sore and rubbing them is wicked after removing clamps that accidentally bumping into them is a mind play.

The "After" GRUE & Pancakes

I had paid for me and my girlfriend to stay at the Crucible after the play party as part of a "After GRUE" sleep over. Alas, I was crashing hard around 1AM and like my showers, we said our hellos and went to the hotel for some sleep.

In the morning, we listened to the fun things that happened later after we left. I wished I could have stayed but to do events one has to manage their sleep.

Graydancer's cheap ass pancakes and the rest of breakfast was great. Hit the spot with wonderful kinky company. People were in good although sleep deprived moods.

We stayed around and watched a Lew Ruben style suspension done by Graydancer on DoNotGoGently. It was hot and Cherry Coke took wonderful pics on her non-digital camera. Amazing fun stuff.

After noon at some point, my cute kitty girlfriend and I headed to the car and headed home. What a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

My Bookend: Floating World 2010

My cute and sexy playmate Raven and I returned from Floating World on Monday. The car ride back was 6 hours of road time plus about 2 hours of stops for food and the like. We had wonderful discussions on the way back.

The Ride Out

We talked about her feelings, what happened and compared them to what she was thinking and expecting on the ride out. The ride out was an anxious one for Raven. Her stomach was flipping, she wanted a degree of security in me and she was anxious she wouldn't fit in or something.

I was really proud of her during Floating World. She was making friends at a huge event. She got into more of her kitty side to the point where a Domme came up with huge smiles and asked if they could have kitty in their pony, puppy & kitty show. She had several play dates with an almost magical impact player, she rocked. Overall the glow in her face after crappy months with an unscheduled surgery was priceless to me.

My one regret of the event with Raven is that my dork level hit. I finished a rope scene and then proceeded to walk the perimeter of the event looking for her doing her impact play scene. Floating World is huge so I did various circles. Well it turned out they did the scene like 20 steps from my scene. My power of observation failed me, I was looking past them always.

My 1st Floating World

Floating world is a huge event. The classes cover many subjects touching on spiritualism, rope, knifes, impact, strap-ons, etc.

When I walked into Floating World last year, it was my first event. I was a complete dork but happy some people were wearing blue jeans. I made some mistakes like walking into the vendor's area before it was open and staying at a hotel in the next town over.

My first class last year had some title I don't remember but the real subject was "How not to be a Creepy Male". It was being taught by a rigger and had about 4 women (who were obvious fans), one guy and myself. I learned some things about attending events related to clothing and volunteering. I also learned some good things about shaving. The rest of the class I have known for years so I just smiled.

Between classes, I went to the vendor's area and started looking at leather clothing. I couldn't break down and buy a leather vest. It wasn't me. On the other hand, I was giddy as I went to Purple Passion (bought their stuff before) and bought my first pair of leather pants. Yay!

The rest of my 1st Floating World was a bit of a struggle. I was definitely intimidated and a bit lost ignoring the clothes and things. I walked into the playspace when it opened the first night and was overwhelmed by impact and fire play. The only rope I saw was done to spread eagle people on furniture, crosses or whatnot.

Where was the rope?

Two nights in a row, I left sometime before midnight. It was fun to meet people but I couldn't shake the feeling I was a misfit at this event. It was a harsh thought.

On the last night, I ended up have a bunch of unspent energy and stayed late. I was surprised. The riggers appeared and showed up doing a set of play across a frame designed and built by Shibari Warrior. It was a blast to see four simultaneous rope sessions in the same frame. I was very happy.

My Bookend

Going back the second time to Floating World was an anniversary of sorts. My divorce officially started a month earlier, I had come out to my father with a phone call during the event and I was very comfortable with the world I had dove head first into. There are moments were it seems bittersweet.

Like night and day, in this event I was rigging instead of watching. It was a blast attending classes, buying kitty ears & tails, buying single tail whips, flirting, teasing, playing and meeting people. I had a very good time.

At last years event, I had asked two different people where they had gotten their boots. The second person had told me about "New Rock" boots and a few months later, I purchased and received mine. There were cool and I wear them frequently. It was wonderful at this event to have them boot blacked. They looked good.

This year I stayed at one of the two main hotels. It was so cool to hang outside, go to the hotel bar or go up an elevator with kinky people. It was so easy to talk and be myself.

The only downside is I have some major catch up at work to do before I head down on Friday to the first DC GRUE which will be held at the Crucible.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Wonderful Friday night

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Monday, July 19, 2010

Gushing and Squirting

Bodies are amazing. They are so different in so many ways. Like faces, bodies are unique and different in their entirety.

Women bodies for me are delightful. Some women can bend like pretzels. Some can look at you with their eyes and make you melt with their smile. Some women are so smart and wickedly sexy, it isn't clear who is the cat and who is the mouse. Some women have voices that are magical. The list is endless.

Some women can squirt! Mmmmmmm

She doesn't just get wet but she gushes. Not only does that warm clamping vagina squeeze around a penis but then there is this sexy warm liquid that floods the shaft and the balls if gravity is in your favor. It is fantastic. It is amazing.

The ability can disappear because of things like sickness, dehydration, stress and other factors. When it returns, it is an excellent surprise like last night.

My kink does kick in to this fun. I tease about filling up a bucket tied to a chair cumming and cumming. I tease, play, touch, lick and fuck again and again for yet another and another orgasm enjoying yet another gush. Yum yum.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Life Continues Slowly

As I have done before in the recent weeks, I went off to be with kinky people. I may think that in my mind but when I step back and really consider it, my need is to be with sex positive people. It is pretty simple.

Once and a while I venture with a comment that is more sexually open with co-workers but it fizzles quickly. It makes me doubt the side of me that is like that should exist. Having close friends and a girlfriend who are open this way doesn't erase the doubt. Going off to places and meeting sex positive souls does who are openly expressive does erase it.

At first going to munches was a big help providing for this need. I got to meet people and make connections. The last munch I went to sort of fizzled, the service sucked and I was in the bar getting drinks and listening to negative comments about some woman in the munch in the back room exposing herself. The negative energy in myself about the service I and my friends were receiving and the negative energy a the bar made unbalanced things too much.

I venture out more carefully now. I talk to good people and learn from them. At some point, I go off and explore.

Emotionally things have been difficult the last couple of months. I normally have a smile on my face, engage myself in conversations with new people and enjoy learning what they know. This has not been happening of late.

My emotions have made me withdraw. I go places and enjoy the conversations that occur with me and enjoy what happens for play. The energy to engage new people and play has been missing. My thoughts has been on my friends, my families and work and how I wish things were different.

Last Night

The good news is that I have some good news. I wish it was not matched with other bad news but it is still good news. I take what I can.

It gave me an uptick in my energy. I talked to new people. I did two rope suspensions. I enjoyed being at OhioSMART.

In both scenes, the world shrank in. All I knew was the ropes, the woman in them and me. I hit a range of emotions, frustrations with my ropes, pure glee with some of the mental games I played and the realization near the end of the scene that I was floating a bit. I love rigging.

At the end of the second scene, the music was high tempo and really messing with me. I was trying to resolve the spaghetti in my ropes and recoil them at the speed of the music. It was a goofy loopy time with many false starts.

The drive back home was weird. My girlfriend had played and she was very bouncy and talkative. I had played and was goofy quiet. My mind focused on driving, listening to her and the music. I really couldn't reply to her conversation but she didn't care. It made me smile.

I am playing again. I am making plans again. I don't know when the next piece of bad news will happen. I just have my hope.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

When life goes crazy in a bad way

My playmate Raven asked me if I was going to the Detroit GRUE, I had planned too but something in my gut told me that it was a bad move. Work after returning from the Boston GRUE was stressful and was touching on emotions and other things were not happening well. I canceled my plans without a clear reason.

Dark clouds

One of my professional aspects of my work is to know when to step back from a situation or provide assistance without providing leadership. At work, I was doing more and more of this with discomfort but it was a necessary fact of my life and was struggling to find peace with this thinking.

At the same time, life's twists and turns seem to be in a downward spiral for both of my playmates. I am not an "uber dom", many answers are unknown to me and I myself need help. It sucked to feel confused, frustrated, helpless and a range of emotions from crying to anger as I watched people I care about struggle.

Raven was struggling with some pain. I didn't think about it initially and offered her Advil as a help. After a few days, I agreed with her that she should see a doctor and so began the life challenge of dealing with the medical world. When tests came back, she was in horrible pain, all the tests were normal except for one thing, an enlarge spleen.

This was in parallel to the discovery she had skipped signing up for medical insurance so she could pay rent. Ugh.

Medical world & D/s

In the medical world, there are systems and medical hierarchy which are flawed. It is important for a patient to communicate what they know and it is important for doctors to listen. When things are undiagnosed, this mutual exchange is important.

Alas, expressing pain levels is problematic, doctors are loathed to overdo pain meds and it seems in this case, standard practices were exploited. The placebo used often is "if things get worse, go to the ER". I asked when she was told this "go to the ER" advice, what would that do? The answer was probably nothing and Raven didn't need the additional medical expenses.

There were several times, Raven asked me what to do. I didn't know the answers and told her so. All I could tell her is that she needed to express herself, ask questions, push for information and understand that the medical business was flawed.

I was her friend not her top or her dom in this situation. I was there to help as best I could and we would work together. I had no real influence except as her friend.

She had experience in the past her friends disappearing when things like this happened. I reassured her I was not going anywhere.

We got very careful with tests, Raven struggled to set up payment plans and make deals. I did the best I could to help and was grateful that a $3,000 CT scan turned into a much smaller number which I could put on a credit card. Oh this was an ordeal.

We got some advice from my other playmate, Batty and from some twitter friends. I appreciated it. I did my best to research things on the web.

In the midst of this, my other playmate's world was going to the dogs and her phone and internet service were failing. Losing contact with someone an hour away with this medical nightmare going on made things even more difficult and depressing.

After talking to her work it became clear that Raven could no longer work and she had long ago used up her sick days. Things were spinning down deeper and deeper.

Disaster with a Silver Lining

Even though Raven communicated to her doctor after another set of tests and appointment that she couldn't eat or drink, her pain meds hadn't been adjusted. She was losing weight fast, in constant horrible pain and was vomiting anything she ate including her pain pills.

We made the decision to go to the ER. This was all happening while I was trying to deal with work. Off we went on Friday and the ER room sucked. It broke my heart to leave her at the ER room after waiting for an hour but I had to. It is sad to say that things improved for her when she passed out in the ER room.

I came back and held her. I wish I could have said that this was a new experience for me but it wasn't. I have been in other ERs with other people I care deeply for.

She dry heaved a few times, her tongue was blotchy and yellow. I mentally went to that place I had gone many times before. I did my best to keep her clean, help her and soothe her.

They finally took her into one of the ER medical rooms, struggled to get an IV line into her dehydrated arm and draw the required blood they needed to get the line set up. After the saline solution drip into her quickly, they gave her some pain meds.

The clouds started to part their ugly blackness when her smile started to return, she could talk more easily and the ER doctor returned to talk with her. We had already done most of the tests so the ER didn't have to redo them. They were going to double her pain meds to solve the pain. After the ER doctor left, Raven explained that the admittance staff had discovered she had an existing insurance plan.

This was confirmed later.

She still can't work but at least she can eat and has less worries.

What's next?

It has been a week since the ER room, we got up early Saturday morning for another test and will ask about results on Monday. I have managed to catch up with work and have hope about other paper work.

The drama my ex introduced in the middle of this insanity with a accusations of doing "bad parenting" has had a smack of reality brought into the picture. Slowly my own mental well being is coming back to center.

I want to connect up with my other playmate and talk. Life is looking better but is still stormy. My fingers are crossed.

Shibaricon & Boston GRUE

I have written but not published several blog posts. My life has been emotionally bumpy and I don't like to put negative energy out into the web. It doesn't help. It doesn't make the world a better place and above all, being negative is not the person I want to be.

The road to getting to Shibaricon had a variety of bumps. There were good and bad things happening in my life and with others I care for. The days right before Shibaricon were especially intense.

On the Road

It was good to finally have the car packed. In a way, I could step forward from the fact that one of my friends wasn't coming with us and that I didn't need to deal with the logistics of driving with a trailer behind me. Raven a nd I got in the car, stopped by the local convenience store for gas, drinks and small eats and started driving.

The trip went pretty well. We got into Chicago via the Skyway construction which weaved right and left. I enjoyed technical driving so I was pushing the lane shifts pretty quickly. It woke me up but made my sexy playmate sitting next to me queasy.

When we arrived at the hotel entrance, it was very busy. No obvious place to park to check in or obvious entrance to the parking garage. This is when using a bell hop is beneficial but also added to the confusion. He kept mentioning "second floor" and I kept thinking "what second floor?".

It turns out this is a convention style hotel and the hotel services such as front desk, bar, restaurant and access to other wings is on the second floor. I was given directions to the hotel parking lot. I dutifully followed those directions out onto the street and down and around to the parking garage. Parked on the floor with the entrance to the hotel and walked down to find my playmate, Raven, near the front desk.

I was pleasantly surprised with the front desk. I had two reservations and didn't want to change rooms near the end of the stay. I thought the hotel was sold out but that got fixed up quickly. They also moved our room to the executive wing where I discovered they have suites that aren't advertised on the web. Maybe next year?

We showed up a day early so we could get into the right mindset and enjoy Chicago. It was a very good move. The extra time helped relax us, get adjusted and do a small amount of socializing.

First Day of Shibaricon

The day before things started, we went to a Japanese garden, went to the "Weavers" dinner for a mini-munch meet up and got into a good state. We popped into the meet and greet but went off to the hotel room to settle in. Later, another guest we were expecting arrived and she settled in.

In the morning, we got up and went to classes. The first class I attended was Cherrie Jubalie's "Bondage for Boys" class. It was great and fitted in with my needs. I am not sure how well I did with the rest of the classes, it was hard to pick from so many rope classes and some got full quickly.

I think I skipped the last class. Don't really remember. I was still struggling with my own mental state.

That night was the first play party. I tried connecting someone up with a rigger I knew and respected to help good things happened. It is unclear why it didn't work out, I think that was the first and last time I will initiate introductions. Playing match maker, isn't my thing.

Play time was wonderful but intimidated me. I think when my jaw wasn't dropping, I was saying in my head "oh my" over and over. There were rooms filled with rope play. Not just a little here and there but overflowing.

The rope work being done was amazing in many places. Yep, I was intimidated and feeling like I couldn't tie a knot. My playmate and I settled down to watch MataLeao and WickedBlueGlow have a scene. Little did I know, the adjoining rig would also have a hot scene done by Mark_DV8House. If I had any doubts about seeing hot rope work, it was happening in stereo in front of my eyes. "Oh my!"

Between the stuff happening in my head and my intimidation level, I went from thinking "maybe" to "no way" would I do any rigging. I watched, walked around, talked and enjoyed the diversity of play and rope work.

Saturday

Ugh. We stayed and watched until some late night hour and then had to get up for classes at 9:30. We hustled through breakfast and made it to Midori's rope dance class. She is a fantastic presenter and rope dancing fits well with part of my play.

The day was sort of a blur with classes. I think we snuck off and took a nap at some point.

The key class for me which really helped with my head space was the one with Boss Bondage. It was titled "Suspension on the Larger Form". In my head, I had already figured out what he told me months ago. The rope bottoms you need to worry about are the ones that are too thin, too skinny and don't have enough fat in their joints to be stressed. He didn't say that but focused on the overuse of rope on the larger form.

To hear his words as he tied, to hear him comment on the rope size and to talk about rope suspension isn't suppose to be pleasant helped to reinforce in my heart what I already knew in my head. It was a big emotional help and significantly reduced my doubt.

That night, I went off to find a woman who I had met at the Leather Leadership Conference and have some play time. She was working as a dungeon monitor until midnight. Until then I went around socializing and watching rope work, my mind was getting used to the continuous presentation of rope work being done.

Negotiation 101 Part 2

The woman and I met up and spent some time finding a rig. I enjoyed tying her up into a partial suspension. I made a mistake and redid some rope work quickly but it was still fun. I got into my toppy rope space and was being wicked when I whispered her a question "do you like floggers?".

Ummm her answer taught me my negotiation skills are far from perfect. I work negotiations like I work an job interview. I ask open ended questions, watch the body language, listen to the answer and watch the eyes. I then refine the questions as I comprehend what I need to dig into further. I had missed a big opened ended question.

She said "I am allergic to horse and rabbit floggers." I blinked. My friends had encouraged me to buy the floggers and I am a total dork when it comes to medium to advanced impact play. I had no idea what my floggers were made out of. I recovered and moved forward. It was fun.

In a brief moment, I learned a good lesson.

Sunday

I think this was the day I had to be up and down in the class room to help as a volunteer. I managed to find coffee or something and help with setting up the class rooms.

Yet again a wonderful blur of excellent classes. I had stopped filling out the evaluation cards since the presenters I went to rocked. My old strategy of selecting classes was failing me and my newly adopted one failed me too. In most events, rope classes are few and far between. Shibaricon, is *all* rope classes.
I had picked two classes that were either too advance or too beginner for me. Next Shibaricon, the course descriptions are read closely to see if they fit me.

I walked by one of the class rooms during break and it was like a 1/4 filled. I wondered why and then realized that with fixed class sizes and popular presenters like the Two Knotty Boys, one may need to show up early. I got my stuff, talked to my playmate and got two seats. By 10 minutes of class start, they were shutting the doors and my jaw dropped saying "Wow".

The Two Knotty Boys class was fun and it was my first one. They do "Fusion" rope work with synthetic rope. They do more work with their rope so it looks prettier and because it is less "bitey" then hemp or jute. It isn't quite my style at the moment, I want fast fun rope that has a different bite. He he.

Last Play Night

During the afternoon, I walked by and was pleasantly surprised that my playmate was talking to Boss Bondage. I didn't interrupt and kept walking. Alas they were still talking when I needed something, I interrupted as politely as possible and got what I needed and left.

My playmate later commented about seeming subby when I had interrupted, I never thought of it that way. Being civil doesn't establish a pecking order in any way or define a D/s relationship, it is just being polite. Establishing dominance or pecking order is something I choose to engage in or ignore. It is simple.

She also commented that the talk she had with Boss Bondage addressed her trust issues with me. I have done many practice runs with my playmate and she has seen my ropes unravel or had to endure boredom as I tied and retied. Outside of rope, our relationship was pretty clear but inside of rope, it was very murky.

I had tried to suspend her many times before but she stopped it. I don't care if it is private play or public, calling stop or a safe word that is not part of play means stop. We had talked each time about why it had stopped and doubt had been creeping into my play. I wasn't sure what was wrong.

That was a wonderful night, the music rocked, the rope worked. I fully suspended her and enjoyed it immensely. Even putting away the rope was enjoyable. I felt totally dopey from the top space I had.

Monday Day

We went to more classes, enjoyed the evening activities and snuck in drinks and dinner somewhere. It was good to meet people at the end of the conference that I had been trying to catch up with.

During one of the classes, I wasn't in any mood to tie but Raven was. She had purchased some synthetic rope and went to work on tying me up in a class. I think this was the same class where scenes were combined and at that point I was using her rope on her and co-topping with 2 other tops. It made me laugh and was good fun.

The closing ceremony was fun. It felt good and helped transition from the rope world back to the normal world. Our guest caught a flight out and we packed up in the morning and headed back to Pittsburgh.

Boston GRUE Meet & Greet

Wednesday and Thursday I went to work and dealt with a blizzard of stuff. It was stressful.

My smile returned to my face when I picked up my other playmate, Batty Janice, early Friday morning and drove to Boston. We made good time until we hit Hartford Connecticut. The rush hour traffic was a killer with many minutes per agonizingly slow mile. Ugh.

We dropped off our stuff at the hotel and headed to the Meet and Greet. We showed up about an hour or so late. It was very noisy and hard to hear but we connected up with people. The kinky folks were mixed in with the vanilla folks so there was some hit and miss.

Boston GRUE

In the morning, things worked out well. We found the place and had fun. I was bit exhausted so I didn't do a class and faded away a few times to a quiet place. It was great to meet people.

There were many highlights. My other playmate had been struggling with some major bad energy and she got a reprieve from it. The GRUE format that Graydancer does work wells and I am thankful for it, his work, the organizers and the other tirelessly souls that do things in the GRUE. My playmate got some serious good energy and said so in the closing circle. Thank you.

One of my favorite presentations was done by RopeBoi on flagging. I had some big holes in my understanding and they were filled in. This is one of the reasons, I enjoy GRUEs.

GRUE Playnight

It was a fun playspace they had. I enjoyed it.

Apparently I got into greedy demanding rope top space pretty quickly. I didn't notice but I listened later to descriptions of my behavior. By suspending and playing with my playmate early, I apparently precluded her ability to play with another person. Maybe if I had held back, things would have been even better for her? I don't know.

I then had funny teasing, tormenting and tying GirlMouse. Oh that was fun. I felt so good.

GRUE End

After that fun, I think both myself and my playmate decided it was time to crash. We got back to the hotel room, curled up and went to sleep. We took our time checking out in the morning and heading back. It was a good time.

Little did I know that a shit storm was heading my way in the weeks to follow. I must have sensed it since I agreed early on to cancel going to the Detroit GRUE. These two sets of memories helped me in the weeks to follow.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Plateau

It has been a challenging month or so. My enjoyment and skill of tying rope has hit some major bumps. Last night I so desperately wanted that fun playful erotic rope energy to appear in myself and was frustrated it didn't happen.

I did a scene with a beautiful woman. I wanted us to both have a wonderful high from it. Alas, the rope wasn't flowing from my hands and I was fighting with my technical understanding of it on this woman's body. I went so far as to redo completely the chest harness and still it was wrong somehow.

Doubt is amazingly destructive thing. What was wrong and why didn't that ability to adapt my rope play come out of me?

Maybe I was being too goal oriented? Maybe I was being stupid somehow and making a mistake? What was going on?

My belief is that I have hit a plateau. My mind and skills were not where they should have been. I can rationalize why things happened in many different ways. It wasn't her at all. She was in wonderful state. Very yummy and sexy, oh I wanted that high.

With her permission, I started tying her up again. I was going to forget things and try to get the energy to flow just doing some teasing playful tying. Unfortunately, it got interrupted by someone important to me. I hurriedly explain I had to run off and did so.

Today my thoughts about it and many others things are colliding and swirling in my mind. I wish I knew what I should do as small little aches are felt in my body from an injury as I type this blog entry.

My study of rope and private play came to a stop for more then a few weeks because of work demands, dealing with normal stuff demands and a hurt left arm. My emotions are conflicted from close friend's having difficulty, working to keep connections with my family as I struggle through my divorce, working to keep my new relationships healthy and the normal distractions of job stress, paperwork and paying bills.

Shibaricon is less then 2 weeks away. What happened is bouncing around in my head like a ugly reminder.

I know it is temporary. I have hit plateaus before. I get writers block in my job and eventually work through it. I used to do competitive swimming and would hit the same times over and over until I learned improve a dive, a flip or a stroke. Alas, some plateaus such as the final one with swimming can't be exceeded and reality sinks in.

I wish I could relax and focus on rope in the remaining days leading to Shibaricon but work takes priority. Damn.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

San Diego GRUE

In the fall last year, when I drove to work in the morning I would listen to Graydancer's podcasts or ropecasts he has done over the years. His podcasts talk about many wonderful things, interesting people and interview many people. He also talked about GRUEs or Graydancer's Ropetastic Unconference Extravaganza.

There was a certain amount of kindred spirit and respect that I could hear in his voice at times in his podcasts. In my fan boy way, I have remember those times and have been very curious about the targets of that respect.

3,000 mile Travel to a GRUE? Really?

I found out about the San Diego GRUE last year sometime. I am not sure of the how. I may have been thread stalking a rigger on FetLife. My interest really peaked when I saw a name that I heard in the Ropecast, "DemonSix" but I was confused. I thought it was a group not a person.

In any case, the idea at the time I had was my classic silly one of driving to California. I have done it before. Last time, I did it in a little more then 2 days.

I wasn't serious about doing it alone.

After attending the Connecticut GRUE, my seriousness changed. I wanted to go to another GRUE and I wanted to meet DemonSix. I was booking many weeks ahead of time so I knew the ticket wouldn't be expensive.

I did the registration, worked with the SDGRUE people and booked my flight, hotel and car.

Wow. I am going to the San Diego GRUE and it didn't cost me an arm and a leg. Fantastic!

Getting to the GRUE...

Well getting ready for the GRUE and getting there sucked. It is that time of year. It always sucks between middle of November until middle of January and has been this way since I was 16 or so and stopped living at home. This time was no different.

I was dealing with IRS Tax Court, Family Court, death, family issues and sickness. I manage. I dealt. I got my act together, packed, put on my happy face and started the trip through the cold and craziness of travel that I do enough of. I normally travel to northern California, not southern.

When I arrived in San Diego, the sun, warm weather, bay view, happy tweets and so on had cleared the crap away. Life was good. The drive to the hotel short.

It was a bit confusing where it was as I drove around and then I decided to find a inexpensive parking place. There was a nice one the next block over in a parking garage. I unloaded my 5 bags and headed to the hotel.

GRUE Hotel and Meet & Greet

This place rocked. The room was small. The wireless only in the lobby. It still was fantastic. The room decor, restaurant, walking distance to everything and much much more. Definitely will do that hotel again. Yum yum.

I unpacked. Got myself all dressed up and walked to the meet and greet. Yet again another fantastic bunch of people. I think we overfilled the room. Loved it.

It was one of those fixed 18% gratuity places so the service was overwhelmed and poor. If I was there for the restaurant, I would have been upset. The drinks flowed and the conversation was great! It was only a downer when one needed to leave the conversation to get a refill.

One or more times in the meet and greet, some GRUE logistics came up. Graydancer was organizing things with the SDGRUE people and communicating things out. He encourage people to show up on time or bet yet early. The start was important.

The subject of coffee came up. I had to have my coffee in the morning and others did too. Someone was offering to do a discounted Starbucks run. Neat. There is enough complications so I walked over to the wonderful lady who I just met and gave her one of my credit cards. She could charge it to me and do the hard work of bringing it to the GRUE. It was the least I could do.

The GRUE

The GRUE or Graydancer's Ropetastic Unconference Extravaganza was so hard to describe. This was my second one and yet again it had this impossible to describe positive renewing energy to it.

Graydancer and Lady Octavia did their normal fantastic way of helping the DemonSix Group and Dungeon Servitus run the conference. I don't know how it works behind the scenes -- I just know it is work.

I used the "law of two feet" twice during the conference. I drifted from one thing to another once and then avoided a session on breath play (it is a hard limit for me as a top and a bottom). I learned much again including doping a session on "likes and dislikes of public play spaces".

The people I meet last night and during the GRUE are simply amazing. I continue to be impressed and happy I know them.

Special Surprise

I am primarily a rope nut as my kink and know enough about rope and Shibari or Kinbaku to know I don't know much. It is an sexual art and connection with tight bindings of rope around a bottom. There are many who say they have mastery but the few who are experts or mastery don't brag.

The surprise was that Daemon Six group had invited Master K down to San Diego and those that wanted to could have dinner and later a meet with him. Master K has been studying the art for years. I attended both and enjoyed the conversation. Wow. The fan boy in me really was annoyed I didn't pack his copy of the "The Beauty of Kinbaku". The memories were worth it.

Thank you DemonSix Group for the surprise!

Play Party

I had a wonderful time at the play party. For me, rope is establishing a connection. I want the rope to adapt to me, my playmate, our moods and the environment. The challenge and the results make me smile.

My type of rope play happened with a wonderful girl I met. She got permission from her owner. I did a chest harness on her as part of sharing my love of rope and teach what little I know. I didn't know she was part of a larger leather family. It made me smile when her leather family helped in the fun.

I apologized to her Ms. later for any errors on my part. She indicated things were good. I really don't like to cause drama or disrespect from my own ignorance.

For the rest of the play party, I enjoyed watching and learning. Some wonderful rope work was done. Sexy corset. Hog tie race between two man and a woman and I as I expected the very limber woman won. Some suspensions and other kinky play. There were other forms of play but be the rope crazy nut, I didn't focus my much on it.

Sunday morning & Graydancer's "cheap ass pancakes"

I woke up 2 or so hours before checkout and hauled ass getting coffee into me, showering, shaving, taming my digestive system and packing. I checked out of the hotel with my 2 large bags, backpack and carryon bag. Life was good.

I walked a block or so to the parking garage and "oh shit!". The parking garage with my rental was locked up! Oh my! Now what?

I walked around with bags in hand looking for an alternate entrance. There was none.
I was upset with myself and feeling stupid. Needed to think this through and my damn Blackberry Storm phone was acting dead again.

There was a glass entry way with a contact telephone number. I was going to call when I saw a security guard. He waved me to stay. We chatted briefly. It isn't an uncommon story it seems what I did. He asked me if I paid and he explained it was my lucky day -- I would skip paying. I thanked him and walked to my car and then drove it out through the sensor door into daylight. Thank goodness.

In a short moment I was at the place for the pancakes. It seems I was early even though other people had caught the "shuttle" that morning. It didn't matter. I was happy.

Post-GRUE Thinking

For me, the house that would shortly have boxed pancakes sizzling on a wide flat grill was peaceful. It surprised me. My flight was at dinner time so there was no rush but there was something else.

The large screen TV was showing some Shibari work by I think Osada Steve. As I said, I have much to learn about rope, who is who and so on. It was interesting to watch but I couldn't digest it so I paid attention to others.

It puzzled me to why I was feeling this way. Yes, I had a wonderful time and was coming down from playing last night. Yes, I was happy to be in warm San Diego instead of freezing cold Pittsburgh. Yes, I was happy I was in no rush and just kicking back. I couldn't put my finger on it for a while as to why I felt peaceful.

More and more people showed up. The conversations were growing and the energy was building. At some point, the light bulb went off and I realized why I was enjoying this moment in time. There was respect, positive energy and openness along cultural, racial and sexual lines. It wasn't the kinky part, it was the communication and respect part.

The first discussion I ended up asking questions and listening to involved Graydancer, Orpheus, Octavia and others about Dark Odyssey and "dance cards". I am not a mechanical player but an emotional one and the whole concept of scheduling scenes seemed impossible to me. The discussion was around fixed schedule play cards that the organizers did during the summer. I was happy to hear others have similar feelings and that gave me confidence.

The last discussion I ended up with before leaving near the end of the afternoon was about "poly". I don't understand what it is and what I am in the raneg of mono/poly thinking. There is so much personal emotional baggage, I will just keep learning and thinking about it for now.

Heading Home

Yet again the GRUE experience was fantastic but I needed to get into a different head space and get going. Off I went to the air port...

I dropped off my bags and went to checkin. It made me laugh. I was too early to check in! Well I went to a restaurant I could find in the airport. Settled down to eat, drink margaritas and wait with my bags. Time passed, I checked in and worked my way through the wonderful world of airport travel back to frozen Pittsburgh.

I am such a GRUE fan!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Poly Woly What?

There is aspect of my life I just don't quite understand. It almost seems like something that is sitting on my shoulder whispering things exactly the opposite of what I start believing. In a sense, I have no confidence or faith in myself in this area. The doubts are huge and wide.

It has to do with not what my head thinks nor what my sex thinks but what my heart thinks. My emotions are very murky and crazy.

Don't Know?

It isn't like working with rope as a kinky guy. I know I don't know enough. I know I have many things to learn, many things to get into my muscle memory, many things to get into my head and so forth.

It isn't like what I do for a living when in one way or another I have probably done it. Heck some of the stuff I am doing "new" now at one company, we did years ago. I want to slap some of my peers when they state how old this stuff is that is "new" since it makes me feel foolish.

It isn't like walking into a bad situation or a nasty bar. I know I will handle it. I have been through hell and back twice or more. I can do it again.

Marriage eh?

It starts with the thoughts of my marriage and trying to understand what the heck went wrong.

I can't look at anything and say nothing was tried. I clearly complained about working too much. I clearly communicated over and over and in many ways. I wanted to do things like go skiing or go on vacations without worrying about things. The one time we got help, I didn't manage it and came back to a disaster. In the end, all the communication, counseling and other stuff that you are suppose to do didn't work.

It drifts into the fact that I cut off my friends over time in my marriage. Why did I do that? My ex was jealous of my friends. I had a few close friends and they were all female. In fact, my best friend was female and my ex absolutely hated her and would make statements about how she was manipulating me. It sucked.

It also sucked that I would flirt and get a smile and my ex would freak. I sometimes would get a overly responsive positive reaction but it was all fun. I didn't let it grow. I behaved. Before my first kid was born, I kept my flirting in check in a big way! That sucked too!

Sometimes I think, I wasn't made to have a normal marriage. This is where the little voice says "no no, there was another normal reason for the failure and you know it". Alas, nothing in my life is really normal so I don't have a normal reason for it failing. I just don't!

Polyamory?

I hear about this term "polyamory". I look at my relationships and see my craziness and my clear devotion to a few special women. I think about it and ask the question, "am I poly?"

The little voice screams back "Nope, you are having a mid-life crisis!" or "you are just dating, you have no idea about poly" and so on.

I have started reading and asking questions about poly. It isn't serious. I am not trying to put a label on myself or rush into relationships to feel like I am poly.

I am spared the voice that says "Oh you just cheated on your wife and now you are saying you are poly!". I have heard that from others. My marriage is over and my relationships are after that ending point.

I don't cheat and I am not dishonest about who I am seeing or why. I don't lie about my relationships.

Dating...

So...I just call it dating and being close to several women at the same time in different ways. I recently had a bit of jealously when one of them went off to be with another man. I understood it and expected it but I was still a bit insecure in a selfish way.

Of course that little voice comes along and says "oh you are afraid of commitment" well I have a track record that clearly shows that is crap. I am there. I am not going anywhere and if the relationship has to change, I will understand.

I just want them happy. For some reason, my heart needs them to be happy. I have a connection to them. In my own crazy way, I have a few loves not one and I am happy.

It is simpler to just declare me crazy. Hugs!

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