It has been a challenging month or so. My enjoyment and skill of tying rope has hit some major bumps. Last night I so desperately wanted that fun playful erotic rope energy to appear in myself and was frustrated it didn't happen.
I did a scene with a beautiful woman. I wanted us to both have a wonderful high from it. Alas, the rope wasn't flowing from my hands and I was fighting with my technical understanding of it on this woman's body. I went so far as to redo completely the chest harness and still it was wrong somehow.
Doubt is amazingly destructive thing. What was wrong and why didn't that ability to adapt my rope play come out of me?
Maybe I was being too goal oriented? Maybe I was being stupid somehow and making a mistake? What was going on?
My belief is that I have hit a plateau. My mind and skills were not where they should have been. I can rationalize why things happened in many different ways. It wasn't her at all. She was in wonderful state. Very yummy and sexy, oh I wanted that high.
With her permission, I started tying her up again. I was going to forget things and try to get the energy to flow just doing some teasing playful tying. Unfortunately, it got interrupted by someone important to me. I hurriedly explain I had to run off and did so.
Today my thoughts about it and many others things are colliding and swirling in my mind. I wish I knew what I should do as small little aches are felt in my body from an injury as I type this blog entry.
My study of rope and private play came to a stop for more then a few weeks because of work demands, dealing with normal stuff demands and a hurt left arm. My emotions are conflicted from close friend's having difficulty, working to keep connections with my family as I struggle through my divorce, working to keep my new relationships healthy and the normal distractions of job stress, paperwork and paying bills.
Shibaricon is less then 2 weeks away. What happened is bouncing around in my head like a ugly reminder.
I know it is temporary. I have hit plateaus before. I get writers block in my job and eventually work through it. I used to do competitive swimming and would hit the same times over and over until I learned improve a dive, a flip or a stroke. Alas, some plateaus such as the final one with swimming can't be exceeded and reality sinks in.
I wish I could relax and focus on rope in the remaining days leading to Shibaricon but work takes priority. Damn.
