New to the scene... Some advice

Winter Wickedness was a blast. I need to write about it. It was my second one and my third AIS event. I think it is safe to say I am no longer "new" to the public scene given this, going to multiple play spaces, going to many kinky events and having tied up more then a few men and women at this point.

BattyJanice flying in my ropes in a BDSM place space in Cleveland

One of the things I have not written about is being "new" to the scene. This really isn't my first alternate lifestyle so I have that as a perspective. I am also a talkative listening flirt and have meet many people. Combine those two with my talent of watching groups of people interact, I think I can comment on some solid generalities about entering the scene.

The first one is that the BDSM and other sexual scenes are gendered. I am not talking about sexual preference but the overall behavior of men and women in the United States.

For example, swinger clubs I know about allow women in to the club without issue and at discount. Men on the other hand are usually required to come partnered with a single woman and pay a higher price. There is motivation and protection behind this.

Women in the Scene

So... you are a woman, I can't say too much other then the younger you are, the more males will appear in person at scene or will be cluttering your online mailboxes. From complaints and observations, this means more "creepy males" or men who are clueless, short on communication skills and focused on their needs.

I don't have any solid advice at this point. In the BDSM world, it seems there is often an assumption by men that women are submissive.

Both aspects suck and I feel bad about it. 

Men in the Scene

For the men, here is some recommendations for success.

Grooming, styling and looks. It doesn't matter if you are bald or whatever. Learn about grooming, learn about styling, pay money for a consultant if needed. Expend the effort to learn about how you look to others. There are two motivations, the first one is that it makes connecting with other people easier. The more important one is to increase the self-awareness of how one presents to others especially the ones you want to be with.

Along those lines, clothing is important. It is good to go ask about what people wear at meet-and-greets munches which are done in street clothes or dress up nicely in dark or black colors and go to a public event and see what people are wearing. Self awareness is important here to, there are a variety of styles and knowing what is part of your personality and will be comfortable or enjoy wearing is important.

My first few visits to play spaces and public events were a progression of clothing style. I wasn't trying to play or do anything just observed and I spent significant time looking at the clothing worn and the clothing sold by the vendors. I saw two different people at events wearing boots and moccasins that jumped out at me. I worked to be polite and careful about interrupting to ask them where they got the footwear from. Later, I purchased the boots I saw and love them and what they make me feel.

Most people telegraph through their words and actions some of their immediate goals. It is important to enter the scene with your mind communicating and connecting not your heart or hormones driving things. Pull back strongly on the desire to find a love or sex partner or any other goal beyond simply meeting people and learning about this alternate lifestyle. Focus on observing and learning, don't focus on sex or communicating about yourself. Work on learning, listening and ask questions that foster communication and connection.

If this doesn't make sense, try this: "Don't touch anyone or any toys without permission!". Yep, seeing sexy erotic women and hot scenes can really get your heart pumping. It doesn't matter if you are a dominant male or just think the woman who is talking to you is the most beautiful person in the world, resist the urge to touch without permission.

With the focus on observing and learning, it is important to keep a positive mind set. There will be things that are not understandable, very unappealing, upsetting or cause other negative emotions. If it happens in a class and continues, it isn't wrong or bad to quietly exit the room. If it happens in the play space, walk to some other place. Keep the feelings positive, understand that everyone has different kinks and respect their expression of them.

The last thing is that it is easy to be labeled "creepy" if you are a man. Work very hard to avoid it. If you are offering help, don't offer it with a hidden agenda. Keep it simple and honest like you would do at a professional work place.