The Hot MidWest World of Kink and Sex

Things continue to evolve and change in the hot sex and kinky world in Pittsburgh and beyond.

There are bumps, unfortunate downs and other negative aspects. The thing is that it only seems to get better.

People of all types and of all levels of engagement continue to invest their time, energy and many more parts of themselves to make things happen.

With texting, internet and people all over the place talking about about good and bad things, word spreads quickly.

The good seems to build and build. New people come in and learn what they like. They help others. It keeps building.

The legal aspects however seem to stay the same. The laws are so agonizingly slow to change and the older generation seems bent at times on going backwards.

I have a sense that many if not all events will shortly go into a state where one simply can not show up. You have to join hours or days earlier otherwise it is not a legally private event.

Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh lost its wonderful stable weekend kinky play spot. It was a surprise to the kinksters and not of our own doing. Shit happens.

Pittsburgh has moved on with many different munches, private parties and private play dates. They are listed in various Pittsburgh groups on FetLife.

I am curious about the "swinger" club, DJ's Island. I may go one day to check it out on a more fetish or BDSM like night. If you are capable of establishing relationships with someone very attractive to you, are concerned about coming across creepy and can avoid being a wall flower going alone, I would check it out if that is your thing.

There are advantages to going alone such as paying attention to others instead of yourself and who you arrive with. If you are male and can't connect with people or women at a bar or grocery store, I wouldn't bother going. I would work on getting friends with the sex you are attracted too.

I myself have many wonderful sexy friends and would go with me or I could go alone. I would make a decision based on interest, pricing and my impossible schedule.

Cleveland

OhioSmart BDSM Club is still rocking strong. It is one of my favorite clubs. I can't say enough about it. I am sadden that some people had to leave to deal with life but that is the nature of things.

They have 2 or 3 play parties a month. I wish I could go to them more often. They will also have in May, their amazing Kinko De Mayo event. 

Another wonderful "swinger" club, is Club Eros. One of these days, I hope to attend a fetish night. I checked out their web site recently and they are being selective about single men. I have a sense they are vetting men based on who knows them which is understandable.

Nearby in Akron, there is the BDSM club, Purple Rose Society.  It is amazing what they have done to the space.

Elsewhere

Maryland has an exciting new space called Studio 58. Various groups are using this wonderful large photography space for fun.

The AIS event in Columbus called Winter Wickedness happened this weekend. They have other wonderful events such as COPE (Central Ohio Perversion Excursion). 

The Dark Odyssey Winter Fire event happens in a hotel in DC. Later they have two wonderful cabin/camping events in Maryland, Fusion and Summerfest.

As of late, I have been bouncing around New York, Boston, New Hampshire, Toronto Canada and elsewhere. Each place has different restrictions such as Massachusetts laws that you can't consent to being hit (how the heck do sports work there?). They can have established clubs or people travel by train, car or bus to clubs in other states.

Getting Out There

It doesn't matter the context. One has to invest time and resources in themselves to make connections.
Whether it is sexual alternative lifestyles, business or dating, one has to make connections.

I spent more than a few months meeting people, asking questions and using those answers to understand myself when I entered the kinky world. I was a clueless newbie who only understood things from what I read online, books and my own experiences.

As part of that learning and exploring, I had to watch my own ability to learn. The more negative distractions I have, the harder it is.

Every time I go some place,  I work on keeping my expectations low. It is so much easier to go from low expectations to wonderful exciting fun than deal with missed expectations.

My car could break down. People I was planning to meet couldn't make it. People get sick. Normal every day stuff like job, family and other relationships can take priority. It can also be something more subtle like being upset about something at work or struggling to understand where I am with an important me relationship.

I work to recognize when things are off for myself. I get more careful with expressing myself and I try to express that any missteps in conversations is my issue with being "off" or "somewhat out of it".

I don't beat myself up for spending my time, my money and getting all dressed up if all I do is talk to people or nurse a beverage all night watching and listening to people.

The important thing is to get out there, say hello and be curious. 

Go to munches, go to parties, smile and enjoy the moment. Being seen, engaging to some small degree to learn from others, communicating honestly and not spoiling other people's fun is the best approach.

Many people can sense desperation and needy behaviors. Conversations that are focused around "me me me", what you know and what you are unattractive. Subtle boundary missteps are "red" flags and cause people to exit conversations.

Doors are opened by learning and connecting.

The "real" Fifty Shades of Grey

I haven't read the fan fiction. I have been told it is a tough read.

I will be seeing the movie. I suspect it will be an eye opener for possibilities for many. It will allow main stream folks in the United States to discuss and explore more. This is an excellent.

For me, the reality is that real kinky fun will be either somewhat different or exceedingly different from the movie. It is a reality that I live in and enjoy.

For example, I recently went to a lovely performance about rope bondage in New York City. It was a blast. I got to see two fantastic people do very high end and impossible rope for most people. Most people can not bend like Gorgone and I suspect she spent an hour warming up her body like any athletic performer.

Naka and Gorgone performance in NYC

My advice is that if you are limited in your abilities or time to invest into meeting and learning about the kinky world, you can use a wonderful resource like Kink Academy. It is fair and honest treatment for a few dollars each month.

The videos are wonderful and down to earth. They explain things and can answer a good number of questions.

There isn't any illusion about telling a story, hiding the pauses and the retakes or always using very attractive and impressive models.

They are teaching online what kinksters teach to each other.

Meanwhile I look forward to main stream raising their awareness and possible understanding. The books for 50 Shades of Grey did. No doubt the movie will do more.

Have fun and take baby steps to learn and explore. Build things up to a wonderful climax!

Hells Bells, Pittsburgh, MBE and New Years Eve

2014 is going to be a year to remember for myself. There were many low lights including some revenge stalking toward me and other immature behaviors. There are also several wonderful highlights.

The Pittsburgh kink scene lost one of its venues for playing. The events there were fantastic and I was so looking forward to subsequent events. Stuff happens outside of kink that messes things up.

Meanwhile, the Pittsburgh scene continues to grow and do well. It is great. I wish I was more active in it.

I went to Morpheous Bondage Extravaganza (MBE) in Toronto, Canada. I enjoyed it immensely and got to have wonderful lessons on rope by an excellent teacher Otowaya Otonawa and partner Tsubasa Wing. I learned so much!

From Otonawa's web site

I highly recommend when you achieve a certain level of skill getting hands on rope education from an expert on Japanese erotic rope arts.

There were many other lovely aspects to my life with diverse play and my enjoyment. Alas, I don't kiss and tell easily.

I will say that I ended 2014 and started 2015 on a high note with three hot sexy rope scenes. It is a huge compliment that I get three different beautiful women who are repeat play partners enjoying their New Years Eve with me. They could have played with others easily!

Pittsburgh Kinknic

I had heard about this event before, a kinky munch like event but done outside in a sheltered picnic style. They call it "Pittsburgh Kinknic".

I didn't really pay much attention to it in the past since I usually busy having summer fun. This time around my interest peaked since I heard that they expected over a 100 people at this picnic munch. Wow! I don't think I have seen a munch that size in Pittsburgh.

The final numbers were something like 135 people showed up of the 200 that indicated they may attend.

I wasn't sure with the things I needed to do when I would show up. I couldn't show up when it started at 2PM. I also planned to stop and pick up others. In the end, I picked up my two good friends, a couple of cases of soda and got there after 5pm.

The place was packed, overflowing with food and drinks and many good souls I knew. I dropped off the soda and the case of Guiness I had brougt along on a bench and started socializing.

The level of activity of different types was amazing. I didn't quite understand it all. I learned later that the Grapple Pitt and MAsT had their meetings there too. People had done various things like bringing in a generator and a "Bouncy Castle" (since there was no power), a large lovely gas grill, things to draw on and so on. They had little events like kinky treasure hunts, Pinata breaking, etc.

I really enjoyed talking to people and learning about new people. One of the things that happened is I met someone moving to Pittsburgh from the Boston area. We chatted about people we both knew.

At some point I had been chatting about suspensions and walked over to another rope top to ask if doing rope would be a bad idea. He didn't think so and commented that he had his rope bag. I proceeded to ask the lead organizer if it was okay. He indicated yes but I would have to deal with the cops if any showed up. Yep, I can deal with them.

Well I grabbed my rope bag, found a nice spot on the edge of the shelter and proceeded to tie a girlfriend up. I was pretty pleased with myself since I didn't do that ditzy thing of tying up the girl that originally asked first. I do try to keep my promises.

I did two suspensions. The challenging part was the sunlight disappeared and we ended up with car high beams shooting into the shelter. It was very different with that kind of darkness and blinding light. I spent more time visualizing my rope work in my head and feeling then actually looking at the ropes.

The only clothes removed were bras with underwires and ornamental beaded skirts. Both women had on relatively tight shirts and pants on minimizing how much fabric that got into the rope. It was a great night.

I hope to attend next year. Wheee!

Behind in Blogging

I haven't stopped doing things. I just haven't caught up on my writing.

There is TesFest, Shibaricon, Dark Odyssey, MomentumCon, Kinko De Mayo, some munches, some private fun and poly stuff.

I am suppose to be at PennSic but I came down sick and had to delay. This is life.

One has to spend the time on things in the right priority order.

I will be playing catch up.

Los Angeles GRUE & GRUEness

In January I went off to the LA GRUE. This blog post has been sitting waiting to be finished for a while.

The LA GRUE rocked in so many ways for me. It is hard to keep perspective.

So what is a GRUE? Well it is Graydancer's kinky unconference with the G in GRUE being for Graydancer and the U being unconference. You can about the rest in "What is a GRUE?" link.

I am not sure how many GRUEs I have gone to. The short list of cities that I can remember are LA, Chicago, Pittsburgh, Boston, Hartford CT (twice), San Diego and Washington DC. I may have missed one or two.

I have wanted to go to GRUEs in Hawaii, Europe, Detroit and elsewhere. I can't have it all. I like them for a variety of reasons.

This GRUE I knew about months in advance since I know the organizer. My problem as the dates got solidified was that airline prices had shot up and were no longer the $200 I had hoped for. It looked pretty bad for me attending. I was going to say that I couldn't attend.

I really wanted to attend. I wanted to see old friends. I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to check out the LA scene. I wanted to experience the GRUE again.

What happens at a GRUE?

The basic format is the same and pretty simple. There is a meet and greet which is good to attend for many reasons. There is the unconference part with a closing circle. The night of the GRUE there is a play party somewhere and then the next day is the helpful and for me secondary closing of saying good bye of attending Graydancer's cheap ass pancakes.

For me, the magi is to meet people at the meet and greet to start connections that a set of kinky people will be getting together the next day and then having an open and comfortable set of discussions about anything kinky. The people that show up as Graydancer often comments "is the right people".

The morning of the GRUE after the cobwebs fade from my brain is always amazing. I don't see how this sort of kinky unconference can work without someone like Graydancer facilitating. The key word is just that "facilitating". My instincts are to control, delegate and direct in a group setting not to encourage and spark. This is part of the magic.

There is always sort of this hushed shocked I sense from the other participants when Gray points to an empty wall and says something like "this is our session list". There is nothing there.

You have to experience a GRUE to understand what happens next. It is pretty cool. The people with passion to understand, share or both in a short amount of time put up a session list. There is some help to align things and tweak the initial schedule which changes through the day.

The LA GRUE initial session list created by the "right people".

And voila, in 30 minutes or so, there is a list of sessions and a tentative schedule! 

It is always a wonderful and valuable surprise to find sessions I want to attend. Sometimes to my disappointment, I miss out since I cant' be in two or more sessions at the same time. It isn't the same thing as normal events since you can help re-schedule things if you really want to attend two different sessions that happen to be scheduled at the same time.

Looking back at the GRUE

I discovered I could use frequent flyer miles (the ones that hadn't evaporated) to get my plane ticket. With that problem solved, I got the address for where the GRUE would be and looked around for a hotel. I found one and commented about it on a thread. It was cool to see everyone else do the same. Maybe we will have an entire kinky floor? We almost did.

I have gone to several GRUEs without playmates. I don't really think about playdates. My focus is on the GRUE experience not the play party. I have attended many play parties just to have a sense of being normal and not played since I was in a bad mood, messed up in some way or just exhausted. This GRUE would be a first for me since I would be meeting up with a playmate who I adore instead of traveling with my other playmate.

I landed in the LAX airport. The plan was simple. I would connect up with my playmate who would be traveling on a different flight and we would both go over to the rental car place. It was a shame to find out after collecting my bags and walking to the other terminal to wait that security was between me and the places I could sit down and wait for her at. I found a nice spot near a wall at the security exit point and waited.

Hybrid Car and Hotel

Hertz gave me one of those Toyota Prius hybrid electric cars. It drove me crazy with the dashboard which didn't explain the fuel level well compared to the rest of dashboards. It also beeped constantly when I was in reverse. I was teased by the exit gate security about fuel options when I then knew I wouldn't need it.

It was funny to see my GPS be confused and worthless while in the rental car lot. We eventually navigated out of the lot and got away from the prevalent high frequency antennae I saw so my GPS could start working.

We got to the hotel and basically crashed. We both had gotten a few hours of sleep, grabbed our stuff in the middle of the night and arrived at each of our airports in the middle of night to catch early morning flights. Yep, travel to across the country can be brutal.

Meet and Greet

We got ourselves all dressed up eventually and headed off to the meet and greet. We were like the first to arrive. The table arrangement was in the form of a "U" and had like 10 feet from the right side to the left side. It would be an interesting format for meeting and greeting. We picked places in the middle section that connected both right and left. People slowly arrived including the organizers, we were doing pretty good.

I am not a fan of Italian restaurants in the US since everything is covered with some sort of cheese, cream or butter that I am allergic to. I can navigate Mexican restaurants pretty well but it is a struggle. Ordering drinks was easy. I got myself a margarita but ordering the food was sort of a challenge. I got some help but I was close to not ordering anything.

About an hour later, the meet and greet was going well. The conversations were lively. The table format wasn't helpful. I hit my head I think once on the air conditioning sticking out of the wall trying to walk around to say hello to someone. It was good to see old friends and I met some new folks.

The Un-Conference

We showed up early to the unconference site which is being held at the "Bordello of Decadence". It is a lovely space with an outside fire pit, multiple rooms and comfortable seating distributed all through out. One of the advantages of LA is you don't need the huge expense of keeping a building warm in freezing cold temperatures so you have a bigger space. Lucky dogs!

The unconference started. I had an idea for a session and would put it up if needed to get the ball rolling. There is always this little bit of nervousness from people when they see the empty wall and someone needs to make it not empty. Before I even got close to the wall with the sessions listing, it was starting to fill up.

I went and attended a session by the owner of "Toys by OSK" who was teaching a "Mount Fuji" chest harness tie. I was being a goof ball by tying to the point of where we should be, doing more and then undoing back to the point where we should be. I apologized a couple of times but I was enjoying myself and my playmate who was in ropes.

The rest of the day I found myself doing mistakes with picking which sessions to go to. I am very happy with the law of two feet where you can leave one class and go to another. I should have been more active doing that but wasn't. I caught the tail end of a "blow jobs" class and a caning class that I really wish I had seen the entire session. I had attended other presentations on this class so I hadn't expected much -- I was so wrong.

I also helped with a violent wand class. I am a 'service top' for violent wand -- It doesn't make me hot. In general electric play outside of predicament bondage is something I am pretty immune too. I understand it too well and have been shocked repeatedly by things I have built all over. I could explain well the principles, show how a bottom can enjoy it and talk about safety.

I also got to spend time talking with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and his companions. He is a very experienced rope top and good photographer. We chatted and he shared some rope knowledge which I always appreciate.

The GRUE ended with the closing circle. It is always good to do the circle for me. It helps me look back, smile and reinforce by expressing the goodness. I think it helps with the con drop and the parting of ways.

Diner
We went off to find diner, get changed and ready for the play party. I knew I had to reorganize my rope bag.

It was a fantastic surprise to be invited to a take out sushi diner with Graydancer because the lucky dog got the Japanese themed hotel room and I hadn't had sushi for a long time given some family life style changes. It was even better given who attended.

This was good food, good company and good drink sitting on the floor in a great atmosphere. It is something I always enjoy when this combination comes together. My thanks to Gray for that.

I wish I had been smart enough to take pictures. At one point, some old memories from child hood came pouring in. My mom had a good friend in New York who was Japanese who we visited when I was a child. It was fun to have these memories sparked.

The Play Party

We went back to the play party navigating around my GPS's insistence that I drive down a closed road. When we arrive, the fire pit outside was ablaze and people were chatting. I paid the entrance fee and went back outside and chatted.

It was great to socialize. Some friends that didn't go to the GRUE showed up, it was great to chat since last time I saw them was in New York City. I love when this happens.

I had an idea for doing a rope suspension and had checked out the hard point. We ended up doing other rope fun which I enjoyed immensely.

I think the jet lag was starting to hit. I left a spigot to a water container open and overflowed the cup I was filling. I cleaned it up and then checked myself. Yep I was overcooked and was making mistakes. I couldn't play any more.

We left I think about an hour later to go back to the hotel, sleep, pack and checkout.

Leaving
We went back to the Bordello and attended the "Graydancer's cheap ass pancakes" session. It was fun to see everyone that could make it again. We chatted and watched our time since we didn't want to miss our flight.

Eventually we got on the road, drop the car off at Hertz, dealt with the shuttle busses. My playmate's flight was at a different terminal. We said our good byes since we both had to deal with TSA security lines.

This trip I had because of weight limits on checked in bags put rope and toys in my carry on. Guess what? TSA pulled me to the side.

It was pretty funny for me to see the rope, pussy hook, ass hook and other things pulled out on a table. The TSA person asked me what it was for and I said "adult fun". She eventually put things back in the bag and let me continue.

I am so glad I always allocate time for security checkin issues like this. I had time to spare to get water for the flight.

My public sexual comments, grabbing, choking, etc.

I went to a happy hour last night at a bar that was crowded.

A woman with long dark curly hair was wiggling her bottom side to side close to me. I made low key sexual comments about that wiggle.

Later on, I grabbed her arm, bent it behind her and had my hand around her throat. I redid that fun with some small thin rope pulling it hard around her throat as it was tied to that wrist. I was being mean.

For some stranger, it would seem I had without permission made these comments. It would seem I had touched her, grabbed her, choked her and pressed my body against her without her saying I could.

I didn't ask if I could do any of that. She didn't say I could.

Why could I do this?

Permission and Consent

There were several big clues that this was okay. She smiled wider. She did the smiling with eye contact with me. When we weren't in eye contact, her verbal cues and comments were positive or encouraging in some way.

When I was brand new to the kink world, I saw this often.

I would also see other men do this and a totally different set of reactions would happen. They were negative such as the woman's look being annoyed or angry, verbal negative comments being spoken by her, a blank look with arms and legs pulling closer together, moving away, another person stepping in between them and so on.

So what is the special here?

This woman I had grabbed, I knew not as a lover, not as a friend, not as acquaintance.  I knew as a play partner. I had tied her up before. I had pulled clothes off of her before. I had spanked her before. I had made her cum before. I knew her in a play way.

Most importantly, she knew me and trusted me in this area and she was giving me signals that allowed me to progress. I would have stopped immediately if signals from her or from others had been negative in some way.

Public Consent

This was in the back part of the bar that was I think a separate room. Most of the people I knew and the rest were interacting with them. I could have easily overstepped a line with some of them but I do that with a degree of care.

If there had been a couple in that par of the bar not interacting with people I knew or were watching me closely in some way, I would not have escalated or repeated in any way the play that was happening. I don't want my kink forced on others just like I don't want their lack of understanding,  and possibly their sexual views of what is correct forced on me.

One has to be aware of  the context and act accordingly especially if there is touching involved since touching without permission is a criminal charge, assault.

I do push boundaries as compared to violating boundaries. I know the difference. Do you?

Future Kink and Adult Events for Me

I have various "rules" for myself. Some have been learned the hard way and some are just part of my nature.

They are rules like "not waiting too long". Whether socializing, dating or dealing with work, I limit my waiting to hear from someone and move forward. Another rule is "first things first", family, work and other critical aspects in my life need to be addressed first in a timely manner. Yet another rule is to find balance and growth in myself. Often these rules collide and I have to make educated guesses about what I should or should not do.

What does this all have to do with kink events?

It takes time and money to go to a kink event. I can play in private and have enough play mates. It has to add value to me.

After that time and money is expended, have I gotten balance and growth out of it? And have I sacrificed time and money against what others would consider more important or I consider more important such as paying down a loan or buying clothing before a season starts for my kids?

2011 was a year of significant change. I had several financial set backs. My work enjoyment has significantly dropped. My lifestyle had to change because of family changes and some really amazing good things happened.

I could change jobs, reduce my pay, work harder and have significantly more enjoyment doing it. It is very tempting in a way most people don't understand. Instead, I will stick around for now and enjoy the other side of my life, my kinky side.

I have spent significant amount of time waiting for things to happen in my life. I don't wait much any more. If people want to tag along with me, great but I am doing things and I minimize the complications and responsibilities on myself. With regards to kink events, if I and no one else attends but me and I don't find value out of the event with my low expectations, I will not select it or go to it.

Hotel Kink Events

Many kink events that have bondage, flogging, rope suspension, single tail whips, take down play and many other types of play are in hotels. If things have worked out for the event, they have needle and cutting play (can be a hot button for health departments),  fire play (can be a hot button for the fire department) and other types of play that health or safety people get concerned about especially when they don't understand it (or were not told about it). These are all done during the evening or night time "dungeon" or "play space" time.

During the day, they have classes, discussions and demonstrations on domination/submission, polyamorous discussions, protocol, master/slave relationships, BDSM play, etc. For a new person, these are good classes in general.

My problem is I need to learn more about myself and improve my rope skills so many classes at many events don't address that need. They are too basic or middle level.

If advance rope players don't attend the event and play, I can't watch and learn either. There are several good presenters who at the end of the grueling travel or presenting schedule, either don't play in public or do something that suits their needs of play that night.

Inbred Events

There are more then a few events where the event organizers and the people in attendance are one to several closely knit groups, the rest of the folks either want to be part of those "in" groups or are wonderfully independent kinksters. At this point, I steer clear of these events unless I know many people, expect to meet new people and advance my skills.

Some indications of this type of event are they are sold out, have exclusive first ticket purchases for people or word of mouth about the event is having drama. These are not solid telltales of this type of event, I have gone to events like this and had a fantastic and wonderful time but should be considered.

The downside of these types of events is that one can end up on the sidelines like in a high school dance, misled in some way or have some sort of manipulation happen. If you are new to the public scene (also known as "fresh meat") and don't have the experience set to detect and manage this situation, things can easily go the wrong. 

My Upcoming Events

I am still working out finances, time available and event selection for the upcoming year. I have to do more to go away to an event given my family and lifestyle changes.

I wanted to go to the kink unconference LA GRUE to enjoy warmer weather in Los Angeles California, to support the GRUE and see friends I hadn't seen in a long time. The $400+ airplane ticket was a deal breaker but as luck would have it, I happen to have enough frequent flyer miles to avoid that cost. I get to go at the end of January.

I have heard repeatedly good things about New England Leather Alliance's (NELA) Fetish Flea. I still don't quite understand the event and expect it to be different then a standard hotel event in format. I will be attending that event in February.

Weekend after that is a local bar event in Pittsburgh at the Altar Bar, I plan to check it out since I have always wanted to check the bar out and they are having a fetish/kink theme night called Resurrection. I am not sure if I will play or not.

In March, I attend a conference called Momentum in Washington DC on feminism, sexuality, and relationships. It is a wonderful conference and gives me insight into the future and the present which I am clearly not happy about. I want to change when I can the little things I an do to make the world more forgiving or at least my part of it.

In May, I go to Shibaricon at the end of the month. This is my major rope event where I learn new things and how to do things better. It is also the only event that still intimidates me since instead of me being one of the few rope people, I am surrounded by rope people with many of them having mad skills in subtle ways better then I.

I love going to my only local to me BDSM club event called Kinko De Mayo.  It happens in the month of May. I don't know if I can afford it this year or not. It is also a second event in a busy month. This will be a struggle to attend.

In the summer, I plan to go down to Floria and attend FetishCon. I don't consider this a kink event but an adult event with models, photographers and fans both professional and wanna-be. My kink world overlaps with professionals in the adult world and I want to understand this better and have fun socializing with my friends.

Fetish 101 in Pittsburgh & New York City Trip

A few weeks ago I went down to an open to the public party in the Pittsburgh Strip District. It was being held at a local bar. It was the second party that had been held.

I heard some things about the first party. It was crowded and people were walking into "scenes". I also heard comments about something to do with cameras. I wasn't sure what to expect so I got dressed up including my boots which I love to wear and headed down.

My plan was simple. Check it out. Enjoy some drinks, meet people and experience it. I wasn't planning on doing much else. I did bring my rope bag with me but left it in the car.

I parked down a block since parking can be a challenge and I saw a spot. I walked in the direction the building numbers trying to find it and smiled when I saw some fetish attire. I entered and paid the cover charge which was low compared to New York City and other places. I asked about getting in and out since I wasn't stamped. The man said he would remember me.

The first room was pretty nice. Lovely bar on the right side with a back room that had a pool table. I had passed a hallway. I got a drink. The bartender rocked. I love good bartenders.

I headed down the hallway. It had to the left three nook hole sitting areas. I liked those. It opened up into another large area with an elevated bar area to the right. A suspension rig was set up in this large area and two crosses were set up on the left with yellow police tape. The crowd was very small which was fine by me.

The suspension rig was in use by someone I knew. I watched some of the rope work. I chatted with people I knew. I heard about how this time compared to the last time. It seemed the door charge solved the problem of too many people coming off the street just to look inside at the fetish people. 

Public Play

I was approached by someone I knew and asked about doing some rope. I said sure but I needed to get my rope bag and the like. We talked a bit more and was surprised to find out she had been bound in rope and dropped. We talked some more.

Because it was public play, even though the woman who was being tied up was topless with tape or something covering her nipples, I wouldn't be asking that. I don't like clothing getting wrapped in my ropes but it is just a dislike.

I went off to get my rope bag taking my time. I came back dropped my rope bag off and then went to bar and started my first in a series of diet colas.

The suspension rig became free. We chatted some more and continue to talk as I wrapped rope around here. Her friends were there too. It was a good time. The chest harness was fun. The hip harness didn't quite work for her. I re-did it and put her up.

We had some playful fun. I do like to make breasts sore and asses red.  I can't resist doing it to a tightly bound woman.

After that play was done, I got some more diet colas in me and did another suspension. This was fantastic too.

The place was filling up and had a wonderful energy. I didn't think it would be wise to do any more playing so I packed up my stuff.

End of the Night

I said hello to someone I knew. She was dressed in fetish attire from head to foot. I think men were swarming her and my hello was badly timed. Oh well.

The rest of the night was the simple pleasure of enjoying the kinky and fetish people who I knew and meeting new people. It was a blast. I had switched back to drinking and nursed a couple of Black Russian drinks. I learned some more things. It was a good night and ended very well.

New York City

Happy Ending Lounge :-)

I went up to visit friends in New York City. The first night would include attending the Red Umbrella Diaries at the Happy Ending Lounge in the lower east side. It used to be named other things such as Sex Worker Literati.

The organizers, Dee Dennis and Tess announced it would be their last one. They were too busy with thinks like Momentum Con.

I was surprised by one woman's presentation and had missed from the ambient noise what she had said right before she said it. She indicated that Momentum Con was an event where sex workers could feel comfortable compared to other events. I asked her later about the comment since I had missed some of what she said. We talked some. I knew her name but had never met her. She was the lovely Sabrina Morgan and it turns out also a tech person.

It was disappointing to me but as I thought about it, it seems very possible that many events "out" sex workers. They can go overboard with their drama in many directions which I have seen.

I am glad I am more aware and will try and help.

Wonderful Chance Meeting

A good friend of mine who has been in gypsy mode for half a year or so and I loved bumping into her was now living in Minnesota.

I was outside the Happy Ending lounge, looking at the street, the buildings, the truck in the street being repaired in front of the mechanic's place and was totally surprised to see her standing there. I gave her a hug and realized I was feeling lost like I was in another city. It happens given I bounce between enough of them.

It was so good to see her.

Winding Down

Several of us went to a diner a few blocks over. We had to work out some logistics with cars and parking. It worked out. We had a good meal and a lovely discussion. It was unfortunate that one of my friends who is deathly allergic to wheat ended up with breaded onion rings on her plate. I scoped them off her plate as quickly as possible.

After that we headed back, I picked up my car from the hotel and went over to a friend's place. We chatted for another hour or so longer and then it was time to call it a night.

The next day I met up for breakfast. It was good time and then I had to decide what I was going to do. Try and catch up with other friend's in New Jersey or head back. I decided given I was taking my time and enjoying life away from work that I would head back.

I packed up my stuff, checked some email and then started the long many hour drive back to Pittsburgh.

Why do I have this blog?

I have a variety of reasons for having this blog.

I have the skills and knowledge to market a blog or a web site, expanding the public relations part of it, handling market communications and so on. I have done this elsewhere.

I could be doing things like putting pointers to it on twitter, fetlife and other social media outlets. I could be working in keywords for web search engines, adding sexy mainstream photos with captions for image searches, dropping people's names, etc. I could be working to get other blogs and social media to have links to this blog to also expand the hit rate and other tricks. There is an endless number of things I could do to make this blog more visible but then that would be work.

I am not interested in that work.

My intent behind my blog is to provide some help to myself and to others. By writing down things, organizing things and reading them back I get some clarity for myself and it helps my thinking. There are times I just need to express myself without any regards to other people, it makes me feel better. Sometimes I write in the hopes that others may be helped, I consider that a failing of sorts given the internet is filled with trolls and that sort of goodness is buried under the crap.

I have limits with this blog.

I would love to think it is anonymous but I know better. A little digging, back door access and some other tricks and I am easily found. There are even easier ways to find me using other people's web sites and some non-online detective work. With this reality in mind, I pull back on some details about people, places and myself -- whatever I put in this blog is something I have to live with.

The person, me, behind the blog is known in various places and circles. I have in person talked with a variety of people who are on twitter or have blogs. It doesn't really matter whether they know I have a blog or not.

I have tried to "out" myself with care and tact. It seems impossible at work given the politics, their policies and the unclear boundary of where work stops and a personal life starts. I have worked to move off of people's radar screen so I can be more open. I have had limited success with my family too. I don't have any agenda of saying "here I am" to anyone. I just need to be honest with close and personal family and friends if the subject comes up in a positive setting.

In summary, this is a little blog in a little corner of the internet and I am just fine with that.

A Private Play Date After a While ...

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Giving Thanks

I like the part of Thanksgiving where people give thanks for what they find of value in their lives especially with regards to other. For me it really doesn't matter if there are people around or not. It is the seeking of the positive over the past year, who you have become to be and for the positive parts of the road travel for yourself.

I say this in the context that  I don't view the commercial start of Thanksgiving with positive thoughts. For me it is the start of some combination of drama, stress and social pressures the week before Thanksgiving until sometime after the New Years.

For example, I thought I had a dorm room to live in until summer but found out the college I attended closed them for two or more weeks making me homeless again. I have on numerous occasions ended up working in one way or another during the holidays, at first for the money but later on to handle my job. There were a few years where because of business, there was no money, no food and I lost 10 or more pounds to only have a welcome amount of money appear at the end of January. Even when I made sure, there was money and I wasn't suppose to work, it was amazing how things still ended up a mess.

Therefore I could totally relate when this morning my son, gave me a hug and said "thanks" to me. He explained that if he had been at my ex's place, this day would be yet another day of stress. It made me smile and I didn't mention the several dramas that unfolded at work on Tuesday that could have made my Thanksgiving a stress ball.

So I begin ...

Thanks for the good people in my life!

There was a point in my life, I would guess about age 19 where another wave of insanity had hit me. My life, my body and the world was out of control. The predators in the world seemed to sense this and pursued me for their sexual needs, wanted to "convert" me, wanted me for news and other motivations. There were others who just enjoyed making life horrible for others and found me on their radar. I really thought less of people in general.

Yet again, in this haze of insanity, some small kindness happened and happened again and again. I expected strings to be attached. I expected some sort of betrayal. The thing is nothing happen like that. It was just goodness from people I didn't understand but were part of my life.

I started to believe slowly in adding to the community and making the world a better place. The trick was to be with those good people.

My world at that time was a sub-culture that was misunderstood but I built on it. I steered toward the good people and it worked out well.

When I entered the kinky world, it seemed to be the same way. I continued to steer toward the good people.

I am so blessed by the kinky good friends. Thank you.

Thanks to my kids!

I am so glad they are in my life even though there is an ebb and a flow. I have worried, carried, hugged, prayed, cried, freaked out, stressed out, waited by the phone and so on for so much of their lives that it is fantastic that they both seem to have their heads on straight and are making tough choices.

I don't wish the insanity I had early in my life on them. I can't shelter them from that. I can just be there and hopefully make the right choices in how to support them so they come out of it okay. I still worry on occasion but they are old enough that I have to let them be themselves.

Thanks to my Poly Group!

Being alone is easy but I can't do it. It was easy when a play partner become my lover. It didn't really matter she had other lovers and doms in her life. It got more complicated when I added another serious play partner. It definitely got more complicated when another relationship turned into a lover.

They put up with me. I am amazed by that. I appreciate it and don't take it for granted. I can't be something I am not nor will I try to be monogamous.

I love the three women in my life, two of which are "my girls". I am blessed. I am very thankful for them.

Thanks to the Community Drivers: Advocates, Educators, Organizers, etc.

I have gone to numerous events, taken numerous classes, purchased media (books, DVDs, access web media, etc.) and learned about my kinky sexual side many new things, have improved my rope skills and have meet many wonderful people.

This wouldn't be possible with people spear heading things in a positive way, doing things in a positive way and organizing things. There is tons of negative thinking connected to sex and blatant broken assumptions. Things would be a much different world if people were not pushing forward in organizing, educating and so on whether it was kink related, sex related, gender related, sex worker related, slut walk related, feminist related and so on.

When I can, I try to help. It may be as simple as attended the event, going to the class, helping clean up at an event, buying an educators book or making a donation. I do what I can anonymously.

It is their work that makes the world a better place. I can't be out in front but I do what I can to support their efforts.

My thanks to them!

Final Thanks: Good Heath

I myself have had problems with health. My one partner has survived cancer. Another one had some huge health issues. I know others are struggling.

I pray and hope for good health. There have been ups and downs but things are good. I am keeping my fingers crossed and counting my blessings.

My thanks for the good health with my friends and myself!

Entering the Pittsburgh Kink Scene

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Spitting out "Safety" in a Kinky Context

I hear and read these "safety" comments.Most of them seem superficial, weren't worth the time to read and are missing more important less superficial things.

It is cool when I attend an advance rope class and within 30 seconds because everyone else has been doing rope, we get over in a minute the agony of what to discuss about safety. 

What I wish people would talk about doesn't happen which leads me to believe people are throwing up safety comments to somehow convince others they know what they are talking about. Given this particular behavior is a common part of my life, it annoys me.

I try to understand and continue to engage in listening or reading in the kinky world but it often goes into the weeds, pops up with misinformation or people start hand waving away the issues. If they aren't listening then it isn't worth the effort to communicate. It doesn't matter if it is a FetLife thread, a hallway conversation at a kink event or on some kinky mailing list.

Little actions like having EMT scissors on hand don't imply things are safe in kinky hot sexual situations.It is just a tool lying on the floor or stuck in someone's clothing. There is when and how to use it.

Rope Around the Neck

For example, on a tamer bondage mailing list, I responded to a comment about playing with rope and rope around the neck. The complete response and context doesn't really matter. The important part is what I said in the middle:

The real question is do you know your partner? Do you know when they have a face that says things aren't going well? What is their happy face? What is their look when they are floating and not thinking?

Do you understand when you are floating and not thinking?

My advice is to start off slow. Communicate frequently. Learn what your ropes are doing and what isn't good. Don't leave the person tied alone. Have EMT scissors handy (don't want pointy normal scissors or knives used in a panic situation).

When the communication is more subtle and less verbal and you have learned what ties are slipping and doing bad things, advance your play.

and then

Play, communicate and learn. Advance your play....

The thread quickly went off into the weeds.One reaction was about the dangers of "breath play" and name dropping happened. Another reaction was "thanks for the information". When I tried to clarify the breath play issue, it went off into the weeds about my use of the phase "edge play".

I stopped sending things into the mailing list.

Meeting in Private

Yet again I read a thread about "first meeting in private". My read of it was that some woman was being bullied by some man to meet in private for the first time face to face. The replies by many was that this was a bad sign or a "red flag". Others however argued "why not?". I commented that there is risk to both people meeting like this with the man possibly getting a variety of criminal complaints filed such as assault, sexual assault, kidnapping, etc.The gender is really unimportant but male "top" and female "bottom" is the common situation.

At some point in the middle of the thread, some male started throwing around the term "fear mongering". He was discounting this issue. I wasn't happy reading his profile either. There is an educational disconnect from my read.

Yet again the issue boils down to communication, situational awareness and how good you are in judging people. If you can't read people and don't know them, stay away from private or highly controlled situations until you know them better or know their reputation better. Heck they could be telling you they are someone else that has a great repurtation and until you meet them, you will not know if they are actually that person!

Of course there are ways to mitigate meeting in private the first time. One was mentioned and nothing much said about using a "safe call". Another one I advocate is meeting with a common friend. There are other solutions.

The clueless and the predators are in the majority online.

Hand Waving with "Safe, Sane and Consensual

The phrase "I am Safe, Sane and Consensual" kills me. You are? Really? Prove it!

I read comments about SSC, RACK and other things. It almost seems like people are selling something with these comments.My read is "Play with me! If I mess you up, it will be your fault!"

If they are throwing out terms like "dom", "sub", "SSC", "consent" and other things without any form of real communication and understand of what each side needs and wants and doesn't want, it is a bad sign.

If you get this far in my blog, please read the blog entry "ABC's of Abuse and Kink" by Silverdreams.She is a good soul, a good friend and knows her stuff in the Boston BDSM scene.

My Care, My Concerns and People who are Important to Me!

My first concerns are about general trust and who I am playing with as a top. I have similar concerns about others who play as bottoms. The key element is the people who don't get it or our "out to get" something besides having kinky sexual fun. Silver dream has a wonderful post about these "don't understand" issues with her post "Running Standing Still".

I don't want to be accused of assault, sexual assault, rape and kidnap. I don't want to be at events where "minors" are present which in the state of Pennsylvania can be under the age of 21 or in the state of Ohio can be under the age of 19. I also don't want friends and new people hurt, raped, damaged permanently or killed by the posturing fools.

SSC: Safe Sane and Consensual

I see this term thrown around constantly like it is something that will make the world a better place. It is used as a reason for why good things will happen.

The thing is that the origin of this term has nothing to do with this. It is a slogan to explain to the mainstream that someone beating another person's bottom is "okay" in a sense. There isn't anything inherently wrong with enjoying or providing pain. There isn't any mental health issue or other issues. Check out this web page on the Leather Leadership Conference folks on "SSC".

RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink

This is another hand wave of sorts. I can't find a copy of the original posting but it is attributed to Gary Switch in various places and his comments can be found in various web sites such as this "Origin of RACK: RACK vs. SSC"

I appreciate the value of RACK. It is something to strive for but it isn't clear to me at all when someone has achieved the state of being ":Risk Aware".

I drive to work all the time doing more then 10 miles. I have no idea what level of risk I am taking by doing so. I am aware that the first and last mile have the higher risk factors, the more you drive has a higher risk factor, living away from a city has a higher risk factor and certain states have high risk factors. Spending time and energy to be aware of the current evolving understanding of those risks isn't going to stop me from driving. One can easily Google traffic stats and find this stuff.

PRICK: Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink

This is a term I subscribed to if I understand it correctly. I am not really trying to label things so deep diving into it is not something I have done seriously. It isn't clear who coined this term but it seems to have been around since 2009.

Some definitions of PRICK seem to be the same as RACK, one I found is "PRICK essentially encourages each participant to take responsibility for his/her own actions, as well as being informed (aware of) the risks involved."

In the end, I take responsibility to make sure what is happening with who I am playing with and more importanty myself! I don't play when I am upset and I stop play when things have gone in an unexpected and unclear direction where I am worried. Sometimes those unexpected directions are as simple as my not being able to "read" who I am playing with. I pull back.

Rope Bondage

Going back to that thread I was trying to be helpful on. Well, eventually someone said

Rope bondage is safe ....

This was in reaction to my expression that rope in my book is edge play. It was a muddled discussion since everyone had different definitions of "edge play" and had different definitions of "rope play". I stopped at that point.

I have no idea whether they were thinking about simple wrist ties and adding elements like water that make the rope swell, become tighter and impossible to untie without cutting. There was mention of suspensions and the like. Way too much hand waving all over the map for my taste.

Rope can be used in many many different ways. A ground position when moved to steps can cause the same effects as an inversion with the head down. Rope can be around the eyes, the mouth, the nose, the entire body and so forth causing a variety of risks. If a gag can become lethal with breathing problems, gag reflexes and with other things like vomiting, rope has even more risks.

Some resources on the web for consideration:

• Radial Nerve Compression
• Safety Monitor Training for rope
• Esinem's rope safety page

My Concerns

The safety yapping about "SSC", "RACK", "PRICK" and so on doesn't change the risk of people who don't get it, are abusers, haven't a clue or simply don't care. I worry about being mixed in with this chatter.

I have a solid background in renovations, mechanical systems, physics and other areas. I can size up a hard point pretty well in a short amount of time. If I am puzzled, you will see me doing things that may make no sense like walking to the side of a room and looking up or pounding on something to listen to it.

If I still have doubts, I will hang my suspension rig and then hang on it trying to bounce. This is the "big old boy" test. It is a imperfect and poor testing but can give significant clues about structural integrity. It will not tell if something else is happening that will invalidate things like someone moving furniture upstairs, train causing vibrations that comes by later, etc.

Another thing I do is look around at the surroundings, the people and try to keep vigilant. Everything is dynamic and if I don't understand something from my street wise smarts then I hold back and try to address it.

This is just the start. I haven't even gotten to the rope, who I am tying, how I am doing mentally and other aspects.

I filter through immediate risks pretty quickly in my head. I don't explain that thinking. I boil what could take 3 or more hours down to 10 minutes and keep some type of communication active during play. I am present in the scene with who I am playing with. If not, I don't play or stop playing.


The labels don't work for me. All I have is my efforts to be honest as I can be, balance my kinky needs that are risky against safety and work to be a positive contributing member of the community. I make mistakes. I own them.

Fun Get Together

Like a bad movie in production for months, I ended up stepping in at work and undid edits, made new edits and other changes to get the product out of the door. Everyone was following my lead and upper management was blasting me with communication requests because of their angst. It was a total drain on me with 12 and longer hour days. When it was all done, I had done in about 2 weeks about 3 weeks worth of work and communication.

I took it easy for the next week. It was good since Raven had a bad cold and sure enough. I came down with the nasty bug too. Raven ended up doing well and I extended my time off from work. In the middle of this coughing and so on she was commenting about friends coming in from out of town. I wasn't really paying attention and she was off doing school work.

The weekend came, I was feeling better and head down to her place very late. Still weak but managing, the people start arriving. It was great. We chatted about kink, silly stuff like clitter glitter and other things until past 4AM.

The next day we took it easy. I don't have any idea when we awoke other then there was six naked bodies sleeping in one room in pairs. It made me smile. People were having fun talking, biting, kissing, licking, sucking, beating and other kinky stuff. This was all happening while I was mumbling about coffee, making it and trying to wake up.

I think later on I fell asleep in the middle of the floor. By time I awoke, it look like an adult toy shop had exploded over the place and people were talking and yapping. I don't quite remember what happened later on other then we mixed in more play, me doing some inverted suspensions, photography and diner.

Some pretty rope marks

Diner was good. I started with a "Patron Perfect:" margarita and everyone followed suit it seems. Raven tormented me by getting some ice cream desert which I am allergic too.

Somewhere past midnight, I took one person home so they could work. The next day, we chatted some more, did some more fun and said our goodbyes to everyone.

Raven and I headed to my place. By the end of the drive, I was a zombie and dreading Monday.

Play hard. Work hard.

Questions, Poly & D/s

The plan was simple, I would in about two weeks take Friday off and have a long weekend spending it with a friend who I adored, loved playing with and had been talking to my other partners about.

Well in a short time, things got very complicated at work, at home and elsewhere. It happens. It is normal and comes with my life. The complexity hit early. For example, I got a surprise meeting invite a couple of hours before Raven needed to catch her flight to see her new lover. I suspected this would happen and was so happy Batty and Raven worked out the logistics of getting her to the Airport.

The next bump hit hard. I was working non-stop up to when I was suppose to take the next day off. Discussions started to happen about me working while on vacation. Ugh! As luck and politics would happen, things fizzled. Thank goodness.

At the same time, my friend's life had some twists and turns. When I woke up Friday, I took my time packing, doing some work, getting a haircut before hitting the road. I wouldn't see her for a while.

Face to Face

I had questions for her. I had been thinking about them for weeks. I was also doubting my grasp of reality. My heart was racing forward and I was trying to keep myself in check.

I have a long list of relationship screw ups and disasters. There is a huge range. Some are the ones related to ending a relationship, the lies said to avoid the truth like avoiding calls or "been busy". Some are the ones related to going too fast, coming across as too much, smothering and a list of other mistakes. Some are mistakes from simply lying to myself about who I am and trying to be something I am not.

I needed to see her, face to face, watch her eyes, her lips, her smile, her body and be touching her as we talked. There was no way I was going to do this in email or over the telephone where so much information is lost between two people.

The Questions

She found me at the hotel pool. I gave her a kiss without soaking her with a wet hug. I toweled off, put a shirt on with my wet shorts and we went off to the hotel room. I had to laugh since I ended up leaving a puddle in the elevator.

It was fantastic to see her. I stripped out my clothes and toweled off some more and then we cuddled and kissed. With me naked and her fully clothed, I said "I have some questions" and she replied "I do too". It made me smile.

I told her I was avoiding asking her one and she asked "Why?". Wow. Good question.

The mystery and hope that exists before asking a question is wonderful. It is part of my kink and intimacy to learn about someone non-verbally, learn about each other especially in a dominate/submissive context. Mmmmm the wonderful mystery, excitement and thrill.

Asking the question and getting the desired answer is wonderful. Getting the undesired answer or something else can pause things and require more pondering and new understanding. Either answer defines the relationship better but it is a shame to lose the mystery, the excitement and hope. The cool thing is that there is so much to learn and explore so it is time to ask away.

We talked about our relationships. We talked about the label "poly" and what happens in a group setting and when alone. We talked about schedules, communication and our crazy lives. We talked about sex, some kink and D/s stuff. We talked about the rest of the time we could spend together. It was fun to chat, answer each others questions, learn about the other as I slowly stripped her, kissing, cuddling, touching and caressing her.

Mmmmmmmmmmm love my new partner, rope slut, playmate and girl all rolled up in one. I am her slut and she is mine.

Looking for my "reset" button

I do this every now and then. I look for a "reset" button or I long for some part of my past. I also do the "over there" the world must be better thinking or "the grass is greener on the other side".

The most recent time was at Rope Camp when I was kicking back trying to understand what the hell I was feeling and what was making me wish for something else. I didn't come up with a good tangible list then and I still haven't.

The thing is that when my brain finally starts working, it is clear that I can't go back. I can't be someone else. The grass is the same color on on the other side. Those emotional thoughts that I am struggling with are misleading me in hopes of finding a place that is more desirable then the emotional state I am struggling with.

Being Poly

Poly relationships, where one has friends who are much more then "just" friends requires work. It is the same amount of work as monogamous relationships, the big difference is that delaying discussions for months or years can't happen. Wants, needs, insecurities, jealousies and other emotions have to be communicated and tensions resolved. Given others are involved, those tensions have to be resolved now not later or relationships disintegrate.

I didn't enter the kinky world to be poly. I wasn't looking for lovers, friends with benefits and so on. I play with many people and a couple of women happen to enter my life at different times and they are both poly.

The cool benefit of poly relationships is working on my ability to understand and my ability to communicate. What I want out of a relationship and what my partners want out of a relationship can be totally different and complex.

As of late, there has been significant work in this area. I have multiple play partners and play with new people. I am also a flirt. The surprise for me was meeting someone fantastic, wonderful and so adorable for me in Washington DC.

The ripples and communication of this new relationship have been for the most part wonderful. I can't see anything but rainbows and blue sky except when I look at myself.

Comfort Zones, Frustration and Sullen Moods

Looking at myself has been storm clouds with lightning flashes.

I am constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone in some aspect of my life whether it is doing impulse things like going with a brand new friend to the beach 9 hours away, going to NYC clubs with two people I met briefly and staying with them, changing my job to take on bigger challenges, jumping into the kink world or getting a weekend job as a white water raft guide. There are moments in all these situations where the context is new, scary but very containable and often results is immense pleasure.

At work I positioned myself into a new job effectively, a job that was significantly out of my comfort zone. I was pretty happy about it, who was involved and very excited. After a while, the organizational structure and priorities changed. It seemed I ended up in an awkward position of being one of the very few driving this particular agenda. I didn't mind.

The problem was that a warning bell was going off in my head. Something was wrong. I was struggling with understanding and working to communicate at the right time and in the right way against a background of politics and poor information flow. I was working hard to read between the lines, work the politics which I don't do well at and trying to figure out what was going on. I was frustrated and struggling to understand who was doing what.

I could see mistakes happening and blindness forging ahead. I am not the adept at manipulating others and often my frustration was flaring into anger or lingering negative angst feeling like a rat in a cage. What was this warning bell ringing in my head?

It seemed I was often in a dark mood, upset in some way and trying to be good for others by withdrawing. It taxed my poly relationships. I am amazed they put up with me. I feel bad about it and hope they understand.

At the start of July, I found out what the warning bell was and I also discovered a significant flaw in the communication given to me that I still can't fix. My boss was forced in a situation to appraise me and he doesn't give negative feedback constructive or otherwise. The appraisal was negative and painted up to look good. I knew what it meant given I worked as manager before. I have an additional political challenge to protect myself.

Rope Play

Flirting and playing with rope has been weird for me with this stuff hanging over my head. I was doing things like over analyzing things, fixated on hip harnesses and pulling back on playing.

By the end of rope camp, I was wanting  that wild good feeling I had a while back. Where was it? I was thinking about a need for a "reset" but not sure what it was.

When traveling home, my thinking was that until I figured out this question, I should pull back from events and general play. I should focus on flirting, socializing,  enjoying my loves and doing rope for practice or as part of sexual play.

For a brief moment I wanted to go to FetFest but stopped that plan. I will socialize at munches, do dates and have fun for now.

I need to pick a restaurant (I can be so picky) for a date with a woman I have been chatting with on FetLife. I want to learn about her and just hang out.

On Friday I go down to Washington DC and see this wonderful woman that makes me smile and my heart go crazy. New relationship energy is so cool.

 I will figure this out.