The thing is that as an experienced player, I view meeting kinky people like dating. I work hard to meet as many people as I can but of those many people I meet, I have no idea if their kink aligns with my kink. One has to meet many to connect with the few that have the chemistry that combines right.
With new people, it is even more complicated. What is their level of kink, what is real to them and what are their kinks and sexual interests? I listen more and ask questions less when I meet very new people.
There is no simple answer that one can make for you and your sexual interests and more importantly your *needs*. You need to know yourself and to do that you need to experience things.
There are people who just fantasize about kink or having a wild night or two but don't do anything about it. There are people that use kink or fetish to spice things up in their lives occasionally. There are people who while dating or socializing make it known in some way they are kinky and have fun in private. There are people who have a social circle of kinky people. The list goes on and on.
The wild night out could be as simple as wearing hot clothes to get attention. It could be being a voyeur and watching others wear hot clothes.
Fetish Attire Fun
Depending on the fetish, there are many venues and ways to enjoy them. If one likes to look at hot women in heels, short dresses and so on, exploring night clubs and bars works just fine. If one is looking for women wearing latex or leather or whatnot, there are fun 'fetish' events on certain nights of the month at some clubs that cater to goth, alternate, etc. styles.
For the most part, this is pushing the edge of clothing and having fun being out. Unless one is exposing some body parts that the legal system and/or patrons find to be a problem, it can be done.As of the moment, one of the Pittsburgh clubs that I am aware that has fetish fun on certain nights is the Altar Bar. I haven't check it out yet. Who knows when I will.
Swingers
The term kinky sometimes is defined by people as having sex with multiple people in one night or with people they barely know or swapping wives and other things. I have friends that are part of this world or occasionally go to "Swinger" parties. It isn't my thing or my kink but there are parties and clubs. There are one or two clubs in Pittsburgh.
There is also a club in Cleveland if this your thing. It is called Escape. I also know of a club in DC which at the moment is under construction where the space alternates between swinging, BDSM and other events. The worlds overlap but generally don't mix.
Queer, Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, etc.
If you prefer same sex or are trans or whatnot, hanging around people who tend to be heteronormative or some other label may not be your thing. There a variety of bars and clubs that cater to this and they have events. They is also a good information resource in downtown Pittsburgh at the GLCC.
My experiences in Pittsburgh have been a confused mixture in this world. When I was under 25, things were very confusing for me. Because of the way I lived, I was very aware of the gay men's world since I tended to trip over it frequently and once and a while tripped over the lesbian world. They were both difficult in different ways. .
I am very careful at this point with regards to the LGBT world in Pittsburgh. I don't know it well enough and have hit enough recent rough waters with some that I am shy about it. This isn't true in other cities where I can have a blast.
For the most part, this isn't me either.
The world I know best is the BDSM world with everyone whether swinger, queer, fetish, sensation player, etc. come together.
Meeting Kinky People
I have a female friend who I adore who handles herself well. She commented last night again "She is converting to kink one person at a time". She often wears kinky attire or T-shirts that say kinky things. She is approached by men, has a conversation and then often meets up with them for play. She makes the right moves and she has a good ability to read people. It also helps that she thinks on her feet and has many police people contacts.
I have seen this happen to her at a bar and she does the same thing at goth and other clubs she visits for drinks.
I haven't gone to a club in a long time. I have had opportunities to do so but things got in the way. I am curious and will probably hit some but for now, I am having too much fun.
I meet kinky people, potential play partners and others through my social circle, my kinky network of friends, munches, play parties, kink events and other functions.I know that part of my ability to connect with people is that I am a flirt. I have no idea if my looks help or not. Another part of it is that I hear that I have a good reputation in several different circles.
The thing is that even with that social circle and it being centered in Pittsburgh, I know of kinky people that I have never met in Pittsburgh, never seen them play in Pittsburgh and so on. They are just not part of my small little world. I have seen them or talk to them in events and social functions outside of Pittsburgh.
The implication is simple. There are many social kinky circles or small little groups that enjoy each others company and can be totally unaware or care less about the many other little groups or social kinky circles.
Your Kinky? Great! What is your kink?
What I have thought about myself and my kinkiness has changed as life has thrown crap in my face and as I experienced things. When things were really bad in my life, my kinky thoughts tended to be escapism. In hindsight they weren't real and I would have probably messed things up in a series of kinky encounters. Heck, my dating life at the time was a series of disasters until I figured out what was wrong with me.
My advice is simple. Don't label yourself! Don't put yourself in a box based on your mind. Don't start with the thinking "I am a submissive" or "I am a dominant". Be curious! Be honest about being curious!
The terminology and labels passed around are too simple and too confusing. The words "sex", "kink", "domination", etc. mean different things to different people.
One can look at studies (or better layman summaries such as the one by ABC News) about what is "sex" and find no agreement. Many people use the concept of reproduction as the definition of sex, 95% in that study had penis-in-vagina as sex but it drops down to 89% if no ejaculation happens. 59% of the respondents didn't consider "oral sex" as having sex yet that is a sexual behavior that can transmit sexual transmitted diseases.
Bottom line is don't get stuck on the labels for yourself. Think and verbalize with others about what you want to try, have experienced and liked and what you have experienced and don't like.With an inexperienced player, make sure you both understand what is meant by sex, what "no" and "yes" mean and communicate often.
I keep getting surprised myself by what I like, when I do and when I don't like things. Being self aware and exploratory is important and helps with communication.
Your Shy? And want to meet Kinky People?
Pittsburgh is great for this at the moment. Once a month one or two people meet at a coffee shop.I tend to slip and call it a "gateway munch" but it isn't called that. It is a simple calendar date where people that are putting their toes into this kinky world can meet in a very small group some people who know the public scene and answer most of your questions.
The meeting is called "Threshold" by the organizers and it isn't a munch. It is just a way to get to know a person or two before you go to a munch with many people. You don't have to say anything beyond "hi" and maybe the helpful "I am nervous" in this setting and listen.
Just have some coffee, smile and sip your coffee. Learn what you can. Relax, smile and if needed say "I am shy" and maybe "can you describe the munches to me?".
Off to the Munch?
Thanks to the effort of some people, "The Next Generation", which is people in the ages of 18-35 have a age restricted group. With the exceptions of significant others (partners, etc.), the age is restricted. For some, this is a good thing. It cuts out people who need or don't understand generational gaps and the like.
Unless you tend to date older or unless you tend not to like people your age dating wise, I would suggest going to a TNG get together to socialize if you are under the age of 25. Sit down near people your age, say "hi" and listen. Take your time.Do it again next week or next month until you are comfortable.
If you are outside of this age range or are comfortable, go to a munch in Pittsburgh. There are several of them. Two within Pittsburgh city limits, one on the South Side and another over in the Bloomfield area. Check out the FetLife.com group listing under Pittsburgh Bridge.
If someone is annoying, tell them "can I talk to you later? I just came to listen" or walk away from them. The only thing you need to do is be seen and learn from what people are talking about. Some of it will be kinky and other conversations will be normal day to day stuff.
I enjoy being around kinky people since they make me feel normal. When the world is crazy and I am not in the correct emotional state to play, I for the most part, say "hi", sit and listen.
Pittsburgh Play Space (aka Dungeon)
We had one.There was a bunch of drama and power struggles. People got excluded and there was other problems happening. It closed. It got re-opened by the landlord but that has its own drama and has some $300 per hour fee or something and doesn't have schedule open play time.
Maybe one of these days, a new play space will open run by a board not some single dom or dom couple and will be inclusive. It will have nights for TNG, general play, LGBT play, etc. but for now it is just a dream.
One has to play in private or play at private play parties for now... Once and a while there is a local event that you can play in but they are pretty rare.
There is a play space in Cleveland called OhioSmart if you don't mind the drive.
Private Play
This week I met someone I only knew about online. We had never met in person. I need to meet people before I even thinking about playing with them. We met for lunch and we talked about our interests, some dominate/submissive play, rope play and other normal stuff. I needed to understand her, read her, understand whether my needs and wants played into her needs and wants. I also needed to understand if I could trust her.
This meeting with her was a prelude to playing with her in the future. There is no rushing these things.
I tie her up, hang her up in the air and take risks with her. She trusts me in this regard but it is much more. I trust her to cover my back as I would cover her back.
For me, trust and respect are a big deal. It is a two way street. One has to make the right moves so things don't go from fun and games to police, jail, lawyers and other outcomes such as losing a job, losing kids, etc.
Meeting people at munches is a good start. It helps reading people but going from a munch and having a short five minute conversation to playing alone is a risky step.
If you are new, don't do one-on-one private play unless you have an established track record having this sort of fun and know how to avoid the "wrong moves".
Private Play Parties
Get to know people. Find out what their kinks are and whether they may fit your need. Play parties don't cater for everyone's needs. They cater to certain needs and wants.
Maybe you want to be spanked? Maybe you want to spank someone and should start by learning how it feels to be spanked before topping someone else?
There are spanking parties. When I first started, I started to connect up with this world. As soon as I experienced a few things, I drop out of it. It wasn't for me. I enjoy spanking but I start with rope and that isn't a good fit for a spanking focused party.
I don't go to parties that don't fit in with my core kinks. I don't want to slow the party down or be in the way.
I also don't expect to be invited to those sorts of parties.
Take your time meeting people, being honest about what you are curious about, what you need and want and finding people that are like minded. Honesty with people who are honest will go a long way.
If you can't tell if people are honest then listen to what people say about them and listen to what kind of play they do. Read what they write on the fetlife profile and other places. Learn about their standing in the BDSM community and then talk to them.
Don't be surprised if you hear conflicting things. I know there is negative comments about me floating around in the BDSM world from some of the drama. It is usually gossip based on either jealously or trying to be part the "in" crowd. Ignore that and make up your own mind by hanging out or simply watching at a play party what they do.
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