The "real" Fifty Shades of Grey

I haven't read the fan fiction. I have been told it is a tough read.

I will be seeing the movie. I suspect it will be an eye opener for possibilities for many. It will allow main stream folks in the United States to discuss and explore more. This is an excellent.

For me, the reality is that real kinky fun will be either somewhat different or exceedingly different from the movie. It is a reality that I live in and enjoy.

For example, I recently went to a lovely performance about rope bondage in New York City. It was a blast. I got to see two fantastic people do very high end and impossible rope for most people. Most people can not bend like Gorgone and I suspect she spent an hour warming up her body like any athletic performer.

Naka and Gorgone performance in NYC

My advice is that if you are limited in your abilities or time to invest into meeting and learning about the kinky world, you can use a wonderful resource like Kink Academy. It is fair and honest treatment for a few dollars each month.

The videos are wonderful and down to earth. They explain things and can answer a good number of questions.

There isn't any illusion about telling a story, hiding the pauses and the retakes or always using very attractive and impressive models.

They are teaching online what kinksters teach to each other.

Meanwhile I look forward to main stream raising their awareness and possible understanding. The books for 50 Shades of Grey did. No doubt the movie will do more.

Have fun and take baby steps to learn and explore. Build things up to a wonderful climax!

Future Kink and Adult Events for Me

I have various "rules" for myself. Some have been learned the hard way and some are just part of my nature.

They are rules like "not waiting too long". Whether socializing, dating or dealing with work, I limit my waiting to hear from someone and move forward. Another rule is "first things first", family, work and other critical aspects in my life need to be addressed first in a timely manner. Yet another rule is to find balance and growth in myself. Often these rules collide and I have to make educated guesses about what I should or should not do.

What does this all have to do with kink events?

It takes time and money to go to a kink event. I can play in private and have enough play mates. It has to add value to me.

After that time and money is expended, have I gotten balance and growth out of it? And have I sacrificed time and money against what others would consider more important or I consider more important such as paying down a loan or buying clothing before a season starts for my kids?

2011 was a year of significant change. I had several financial set backs. My work enjoyment has significantly dropped. My lifestyle had to change because of family changes and some really amazing good things happened.

I could change jobs, reduce my pay, work harder and have significantly more enjoyment doing it. It is very tempting in a way most people don't understand. Instead, I will stick around for now and enjoy the other side of my life, my kinky side.

I have spent significant amount of time waiting for things to happen in my life. I don't wait much any more. If people want to tag along with me, great but I am doing things and I minimize the complications and responsibilities on myself. With regards to kink events, if I and no one else attends but me and I don't find value out of the event with my low expectations, I will not select it or go to it.

Hotel Kink Events

Many kink events that have bondage, flogging, rope suspension, single tail whips, take down play and many other types of play are in hotels. If things have worked out for the event, they have needle and cutting play (can be a hot button for health departments),  fire play (can be a hot button for the fire department) and other types of play that health or safety people get concerned about especially when they don't understand it (or were not told about it). These are all done during the evening or night time "dungeon" or "play space" time.

During the day, they have classes, discussions and demonstrations on domination/submission, polyamorous discussions, protocol, master/slave relationships, BDSM play, etc. For a new person, these are good classes in general.

My problem is I need to learn more about myself and improve my rope skills so many classes at many events don't address that need. They are too basic or middle level.

If advance rope players don't attend the event and play, I can't watch and learn either. There are several good presenters who at the end of the grueling travel or presenting schedule, either don't play in public or do something that suits their needs of play that night.

Inbred Events

There are more then a few events where the event organizers and the people in attendance are one to several closely knit groups, the rest of the folks either want to be part of those "in" groups or are wonderfully independent kinksters. At this point, I steer clear of these events unless I know many people, expect to meet new people and advance my skills.

Some indications of this type of event are they are sold out, have exclusive first ticket purchases for people or word of mouth about the event is having drama. These are not solid telltales of this type of event, I have gone to events like this and had a fantastic and wonderful time but should be considered.

The downside of these types of events is that one can end up on the sidelines like in a high school dance, misled in some way or have some sort of manipulation happen. If you are new to the public scene (also known as "fresh meat") and don't have the experience set to detect and manage this situation, things can easily go the wrong. 

My Upcoming Events

I am still working out finances, time available and event selection for the upcoming year. I have to do more to go away to an event given my family and lifestyle changes.

I wanted to go to the kink unconference LA GRUE to enjoy warmer weather in Los Angeles California, to support the GRUE and see friends I hadn't seen in a long time. The $400+ airplane ticket was a deal breaker but as luck would have it, I happen to have enough frequent flyer miles to avoid that cost. I get to go at the end of January.

I have heard repeatedly good things about New England Leather Alliance's (NELA) Fetish Flea. I still don't quite understand the event and expect it to be different then a standard hotel event in format. I will be attending that event in February.

Weekend after that is a local bar event in Pittsburgh at the Altar Bar, I plan to check it out since I have always wanted to check the bar out and they are having a fetish/kink theme night called Resurrection. I am not sure if I will play or not.

In March, I attend a conference called Momentum in Washington DC on feminism, sexuality, and relationships. It is a wonderful conference and gives me insight into the future and the present which I am clearly not happy about. I want to change when I can the little things I an do to make the world more forgiving or at least my part of it.

In May, I go to Shibaricon at the end of the month. This is my major rope event where I learn new things and how to do things better. It is also the only event that still intimidates me since instead of me being one of the few rope people, I am surrounded by rope people with many of them having mad skills in subtle ways better then I.

I love going to my only local to me BDSM club event called Kinko De Mayo.  It happens in the month of May. I don't know if I can afford it this year or not. It is also a second event in a busy month. This will be a struggle to attend.

In the summer, I plan to go down to Floria and attend FetishCon. I don't consider this a kink event but an adult event with models, photographers and fans both professional and wanna-be. My kink world overlaps with professionals in the adult world and I want to understand this better and have fun socializing with my friends.

San Diego GRUE

In the fall last year, when I drove to work in the morning I would listen to Graydancer's podcasts or ropecasts he has done over the years. His podcasts talk about many wonderful things, interesting people and interview many people. He also talked about GRUEs or Graydancer's Ropetastic Unconference Extravaganza.

There was a certain amount of kindred spirit and respect that I could hear in his voice at times in his podcasts. In my fan boy way, I have remember those times and have been very curious about the targets of that respect.

3,000 mile Travel to a GRUE? Really?

I found out about the San Diego GRUE last year sometime. I am not sure of the how. I may have been thread stalking a rigger on FetLife. My interest really peaked when I saw a name that I heard in the Ropecast, "DemonSix" but I was confused. I thought it was a group not a person.

In any case, the idea at the time I had was my classic silly one of driving to California. I have done it before. Last time, I did it in a little more then 2 days.

I wasn't serious about doing it alone.

After attending the Connecticut GRUE, my seriousness changed. I wanted to go to another GRUE and I wanted to meet DemonSix. I was booking many weeks ahead of time so I knew the ticket wouldn't be expensive.

I did the registration, worked with the SDGRUE people and booked my flight, hotel and car.

Wow. I am going to the San Diego GRUE and it didn't cost me an arm and a leg. Fantastic!

Getting to the GRUE...

Well getting ready for the GRUE and getting there sucked. It is that time of year. It always sucks between middle of November until middle of January and has been this way since I was 16 or so and stopped living at home. This time was no different.

I was dealing with IRS Tax Court, Family Court, death, family issues and sickness. I manage. I dealt. I got my act together, packed, put on my happy face and started the trip through the cold and craziness of travel that I do enough of. I normally travel to northern California, not southern.

When I arrived in San Diego, the sun, warm weather, bay view, happy tweets and so on had cleared the crap away. Life was good. The drive to the hotel short.

It was a bit confusing where it was as I drove around and then I decided to find a inexpensive parking place. There was a nice one the next block over in a parking garage. I unloaded my 5 bags and headed to the hotel.

GRUE Hotel and Meet & Greet

This place rocked. The room was small. The wireless only in the lobby. It still was fantastic. The room decor, restaurant, walking distance to everything and much much more. Definitely will do that hotel again. Yum yum.

I unpacked. Got myself all dressed up and walked to the meet and greet. Yet again another fantastic bunch of people. I think we overfilled the room. Loved it.

It was one of those fixed 18% gratuity places so the service was overwhelmed and poor. If I was there for the restaurant, I would have been upset. The drinks flowed and the conversation was great! It was only a downer when one needed to leave the conversation to get a refill.

One or more times in the meet and greet, some GRUE logistics came up. Graydancer was organizing things with the SDGRUE people and communicating things out. He encourage people to show up on time or bet yet early. The start was important.

The subject of coffee came up. I had to have my coffee in the morning and others did too. Someone was offering to do a discounted Starbucks run. Neat. There is enough complications so I walked over to the wonderful lady who I just met and gave her one of my credit cards. She could charge it to me and do the hard work of bringing it to the GRUE. It was the least I could do.

The GRUE

The GRUE or Graydancer's Ropetastic Unconference Extravaganza was so hard to describe. This was my second one and yet again it had this impossible to describe positive renewing energy to it.

Graydancer and Lady Octavia did their normal fantastic way of helping the DemonSix Group and Dungeon Servitus run the conference. I don't know how it works behind the scenes -- I just know it is work.

I used the "law of two feet" twice during the conference. I drifted from one thing to another once and then avoided a session on breath play (it is a hard limit for me as a top and a bottom). I learned much again including doping a session on "likes and dislikes of public play spaces".

The people I meet last night and during the GRUE are simply amazing. I continue to be impressed and happy I know them.

Special Surprise

I am primarily a rope nut as my kink and know enough about rope and Shibari or Kinbaku to know I don't know much. It is an sexual art and connection with tight bindings of rope around a bottom. There are many who say they have mastery but the few who are experts or mastery don't brag.

The surprise was that Daemon Six group had invited Master K down to San Diego and those that wanted to could have dinner and later a meet with him. Master K has been studying the art for years. I attended both and enjoyed the conversation. Wow. The fan boy in me really was annoyed I didn't pack his copy of the "The Beauty of Kinbaku". The memories were worth it.

Thank you DemonSix Group for the surprise!

Play Party

I had a wonderful time at the play party. For me, rope is establishing a connection. I want the rope to adapt to me, my playmate, our moods and the environment. The challenge and the results make me smile.

My type of rope play happened with a wonderful girl I met. She got permission from her owner. I did a chest harness on her as part of sharing my love of rope and teach what little I know. I didn't know she was part of a larger leather family. It made me smile when her leather family helped in the fun.

I apologized to her Ms. later for any errors on my part. She indicated things were good. I really don't like to cause drama or disrespect from my own ignorance.

For the rest of the play party, I enjoyed watching and learning. Some wonderful rope work was done. Sexy corset. Hog tie race between two man and a woman and I as I expected the very limber woman won. Some suspensions and other kinky play. There were other forms of play but be the rope crazy nut, I didn't focus my much on it.

Sunday morning & Graydancer's "cheap ass pancakes"

I woke up 2 or so hours before checkout and hauled ass getting coffee into me, showering, shaving, taming my digestive system and packing. I checked out of the hotel with my 2 large bags, backpack and carryon bag. Life was good.

I walked a block or so to the parking garage and "oh shit!". The parking garage with my rental was locked up! Oh my! Now what?

I walked around with bags in hand looking for an alternate entrance. There was none.
I was upset with myself and feeling stupid. Needed to think this through and my damn Blackberry Storm phone was acting dead again.

There was a glass entry way with a contact telephone number. I was going to call when I saw a security guard. He waved me to stay. We chatted briefly. It isn't an uncommon story it seems what I did. He asked me if I paid and he explained it was my lucky day -- I would skip paying. I thanked him and walked to my car and then drove it out through the sensor door into daylight. Thank goodness.

In a short moment I was at the place for the pancakes. It seems I was early even though other people had caught the "shuttle" that morning. It didn't matter. I was happy.

Post-GRUE Thinking

For me, the house that would shortly have boxed pancakes sizzling on a wide flat grill was peaceful. It surprised me. My flight was at dinner time so there was no rush but there was something else.

The large screen TV was showing some Shibari work by I think Osada Steve. As I said, I have much to learn about rope, who is who and so on. It was interesting to watch but I couldn't digest it so I paid attention to others.

It puzzled me to why I was feeling this way. Yes, I had a wonderful time and was coming down from playing last night. Yes, I was happy to be in warm San Diego instead of freezing cold Pittsburgh. Yes, I was happy I was in no rush and just kicking back. I couldn't put my finger on it for a while as to why I felt peaceful.

More and more people showed up. The conversations were growing and the energy was building. At some point, the light bulb went off and I realized why I was enjoying this moment in time. There was respect, positive energy and openness along cultural, racial and sexual lines. It wasn't the kinky part, it was the communication and respect part.

The first discussion I ended up asking questions and listening to involved Graydancer, Orpheus, Octavia and others about Dark Odyssey and "dance cards". I am not a mechanical player but an emotional one and the whole concept of scheduling scenes seemed impossible to me. The discussion was around fixed schedule play cards that the organizers did during the summer. I was happy to hear others have similar feelings and that gave me confidence.

The last discussion I ended up with before leaving near the end of the afternoon was about "poly". I don't understand what it is and what I am in the raneg of mono/poly thinking. There is so much personal emotional baggage, I will just keep learning and thinking about it for now.

Heading Home

Yet again the GRUE experience was fantastic but I needed to get into a different head space and get going. Off I went to the air port...

I dropped off my bags and went to checkin. It made me laugh. I was too early to check in! Well I went to a restaurant I could find in the airport. Settled down to eat, drink margaritas and wait with my bags. Time passed, I checked in and worked my way through the wonderful world of airport travel back to frozen Pittsburgh.

I am such a GRUE fan!