There are elements of play such as control, making the bottom look hot, the way the bottoms sounds, the movements happening in my ropes, the physical effort I have put into it and our communication that when combined together seem to make the world disappear. It doesn't matter whether it is me or a co-topping scene. I need the world to disappear and to be with this wonderful person who has agreed to be my rope toy.
It is somewhat of a shock to my system when someone enters my scene or I manage to expand my awareness and discover an audience. I really don't want to pay attention outside of the scene. It takes away my kink but I am forced from repeated history to try and check on what is happening around me. After I mentally stumble with this unexpected awareness, bad energy comes into me thinking some drama is about to unfold or that I somehow am triggering something I can't control.
This isn't the same as feeling, hearing or otherwise somehow sensing the flogging scene to my right, the fire play scene off in the corner generating fun noises or another wild scene behind me. I have a sense of space, those scenes around me and in some weird way the energy that is happening. When someone quietly asks me if it is okay to flog on the cross next to me, I look at them with I think a smile and say "no problem".
Ignoring the issues with public play, the thing that frustrates me the most at the moment is my own rope work when it is doing something I don't want it to do. I want my scenes to be much longer but my understanding of the body, my rope work and the person I am playing is an overflowing amount of information to understand and internalize. I tend to error on the side of winding down my scene if I don't understand.
Dance Card
In the two or so weeks before I traveled to Cleveland to go to First Friday at OhioSMART, I was in discussions about play dates. As the First Friday got closer and closer, I was asked if I could tie more and more people.For a guy who had no idea how long his scenes took, did maybe one scene in public each time and had for a while stopped playing totally because of bad things happening, it was a concern that I would agree to tie 3 or more people in one night.
Could I tie more then 3 people in one night?
I had no idea whether I could. I actually had to look and see how long the dungeon was open, understand my travel plans to the dungeon and actually think about whether I should be doing a series of scenes. Would I stress out about how long I did a scene? Can I do more then two scenes? Was I being honest with myself about my needs and wants? Was I going to mess with my head space with some new twist?
Was I really going to struggle with my ropes, understanding who I was tying and what our connection was and try to do multiple scenes?
I had listened carefully and asked some questions at one of the "cheap ass pancakes" part of a Graydancer GRUE. The people in the conversation were pretty clear about staying away from a schedule -- doing scenes based on time slots and so forth. These were experienced people discussing the downsides of a schedule.
Warning bells were going off. I did as best as I could to be honest about my dance card. I hoped for the best and no hurt feelings.
Friday Night
It is like a two hour drive to go to the play space in Cleveland. There are times like when we drove to Winter Wickedness that I was a mess by the time we arrived. Normally I don't care about my mental state when I arrive some place, I snap on my game face and deal with things.Alas for my expression of my positive self, if I am a stress ball, I can't play. It isn't fun. I don't connect but simply manage and control. I can go to work for that sort of expression.
As luck would have it, the roads were breeze to drive on and we had eaten a relaxed diner before we had headed out. We got the OhioSMART space early and kicked back while people showed up. It was perfect relaxed head space. I was ready to play.
As things worked out, I did several scenes. I found I needed to drink water and take a break between scenes. During that time tended to think about the scenes and whether my ropes and I had gone far enough, well enough or I had contorted a body not the way I wanted. Being in floaty top space didn't let those thoughts do too much.
I enjoyed all of the scenes. I wish I had been aggressive and no so timiedly tame in the first one. In one of the other scenes, I was surprised I didn't get a scream and discovered it is one of my "top" cookies I enjoy. The last scene I pushed pretty hard on her and was distracted when the DM asked me if she was okay. Even though I said yes, I had no idea by what standard I should have said that.
I so enjoyed myself. Yep, I was pretty damn selfish with these hot woman and the enjoyed the co-topping scene with a top that does knife play.
Aftercare
Part of me is a crazy demanding bad boy but the other part of me is a responsible caring adult, the adult part of me wants to know I didn't mess up. I need that. I need the hugs, the quiet whispered exchanges and to know from their eyes that we are good.I was doubly thankful as the night ended that I crossed paths with people and chatted. I was coming down slowly and needed to make sure what I sensed was still true about the scenes.
My thanks to the dom that did some teaching to me about knife play. I need to buy a knife now!
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