It has to do with not what my head thinks nor what my sex thinks but what my heart thinks. My emotions are very murky and crazy.
Don't Know?
It isn't like working with rope as a kinky guy. I know I don't know enough. I know I have many things to learn, many things to get into my muscle memory, many things to get into my head and so forth.It isn't like what I do for a living when in one way or another I have probably done it. Heck some of the stuff I am doing "new" now at one company, we did years ago. I want to slap some of my peers when they state how old this stuff is that is "new" since it makes me feel foolish.
It isn't like walking into a bad situation or a nasty bar. I know I will handle it. I have been through hell and back twice or more. I can do it again.
Marriage eh?
It starts with the thoughts of my marriage and trying to understand what the heck went wrong.I can't look at anything and say nothing was tried. I clearly complained about working too much. I clearly communicated over and over and in many ways. I wanted to do things like go skiing or go on vacations without worrying about things. The one time we got help, I didn't manage it and came back to a disaster. In the end, all the communication, counseling and other stuff that you are suppose to do didn't work.
It drifts into the fact that I cut off my friends over time in my marriage. Why did I do that? My ex was jealous of my friends. I had a few close friends and they were all female. In fact, my best friend was female and my ex absolutely hated her and would make statements about how she was manipulating me. It sucked.
It also sucked that I would flirt and get a smile and my ex would freak. I sometimes would get a overly responsive positive reaction but it was all fun. I didn't let it grow. I behaved. Before my first kid was born, I kept my flirting in check in a big way! That sucked too!
Sometimes I think, I wasn't made to have a normal marriage. This is where the little voice says "no no, there was another normal reason for the failure and you know it". Alas, nothing in my life is really normal so I don't have a normal reason for it failing. I just don't!
Polyamory?
I hear about this term "polyamory". I look at my relationships and see my craziness and my clear devotion to a few special women. I think about it and ask the question, "am I poly?"The little voice screams back "Nope, you are having a mid-life crisis!" or "you are just dating, you have no idea about poly" and so on.
I have started reading and asking questions about poly. It isn't serious. I am not trying to put a label on myself or rush into relationships to feel like I am poly.
I am spared the voice that says "Oh you just cheated on your wife and now you are saying you are poly!". I have heard that from others. My marriage is over and my relationships are after that ending point.
I don't cheat and I am not dishonest about who I am seeing or why. I don't lie about my relationships.
Dating...
So...I just call it dating and being close to several women at the same time in different ways. I recently had a bit of jealously when one of them went off to be with another man. I understood it and expected it but I was still a bit insecure in a selfish way.Of course that little voice comes along and says "oh you are afraid of commitment" well I have a track record that clearly shows that is crap. I am there. I am not going anywhere and if the relationship has to change, I will understand.
I just want them happy. For some reason, my heart needs them to be happy. I have a connection to them. In my own crazy way, I have a few loves not one and I am happy.
It is simpler to just declare me crazy. Hugs!
